8/01/2005

 

Palmeiro Denies Steroids, Acknowledges Orgy

Baltimore Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for 10 days after violating Major League Baseball's steroids policy Monday, becoming baseball's first true star to be suspended under the new steroid testing policy. Palmeiro, however, remained steadfast in denying that he ever knowingly used steroids.

In a prepared conference call for reporters on Monday, Palmeiro claimed that he could not be sure how he consumed the steroids, but he did have some theories.

"I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period," Palmeiro said. "I have, however, done some pretty sick shit. On Friday, July the 15th, I collected my 3,000th career hit in Seattle, WA. Later that evening my wife, Lynne, threw me a surprise party in our suite at the Edgewater Hotel."

Palmeiro, who has won multiple awards during his career, including American League Silver Slugger and Gold Glove awards between 1997 and 1999, and also carried the unofficial title of "World's Greatest Latin Lover" from 1993 to 1998, began to describe the party, "Lynne was joined by three young ladies whom we had met at Lipstix gentleman's club during a previous visit to Seattle. Also in the suite that night was the hotel doorman, Raul, and about thirteen pounds of blow.

"While I don't remember anything that happened after 1 am, I find it hard to believe that one of those broads would have injected me with steroids. Snorting coke off my Viagra hardened dick? Sure. But juicing me? That doesn't even make sense. But I wouldn't put anything past them crazy ass bitches."

Palmeiro, whose tone suddenly turned serious, added, "Ultimately, although I never intentionally put a banned substance into my body, the independent arbitrator ruled that I had to be suspended under the terms of the program. That's really no surprise, though. He [the independent arbitrator, later identified as one Ted Snyder of Schaumburg, IL] has had it in for me ever since he found my jock strap in his wife's laundry basket in September of '95. Don't hate the playa, brother, hate the mutha-fuckin game.

"I hope the fans understand I have worked very hard over a long 20-year career. I hope that one coke-fueled, passionate, hot summer night will not ruin my reputation and that the fans can forgive me. I will not, however, admit that I made a mistake. Giving Keith Hernandez a BJ back in '88...Now THAT was a mistake."

Palmeiro concluded his press conference by slipping into a velvet bathrobe and saying something unintelligible about his "glorious mustache." He then began pointing at his crotch, repeatedly mumbling the words "basket" and "crank," and winking at every woman in the room.

Comments:
Most ballplayers today are taking homeopathic hgh oral spray because it's safe, undetectable, and legal for over the counter sales. As time goes on it seems it might be considered as benign a performance enhancer as coffee, aspirin, red bull, chewing tobacco, and bubble gum.
 
even though I was such a big fan of Rafael Palmeiro, I think it was a good thing so other players and young players and kids do not follow that steroid path. I read an article on a pay per head site and they talked about Palmeiro too, it was a good article too
 
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