10/05/2006

 

NLDS Game 2 Preview

David Wells has gout. I once developed gout as well. Actually not me – my character on The Oregon Trail. In fact, I think I once died from it. Although that may have been scurvy or dysentery or one of those other pirate-esque ailments. I get them all mixed up.

Regardless, David Wells has gout and he is San Diego’s starting pitcher today.

This reminds me of my grandma’s last words. While lying in her hospital bed, she motioned for me to sit down next to her. She pulled me close and whispered frailly into my ear: “If you can’t beat a guy who missed his last start because of a case of gout, your team does not deserve to win the World Series.” At the time we thought grandma was just bat-shit crazy, but her words seem to ring rather prophetic now.

Anyhoo...

Let’s break this one down, Homer buying cursed dolls and frozen yogurt style:

The Cardinals are a paltry bunch when facing lefties like Ned Flanders, Hitler, and (unfortunately) David Wells. This is the Cards line against southpaws:

.264 Avg., .330 OBP, .401 SLG, .731 OPS. That’s bad.

But they are now 38-19 in day games. That’s good!

The Cardinals, on the other hand, start Jeff Weaver whose line against lefties is:

.340 Avg., .396 OBP, .609 SLG, 1.005 OPS. That’s bad.

But we still have Pujols, who is hitting at a .333 clip against Wells. That’s good!

But it’s in a ridiculously small sample size of 9 Abs. That’s bad.

But he’s still El Hombre. That’s good!

But don’t forget Jeff Weaver is still Jeff Weaver. That’s bad.

Also, Jim Edmonds is apparently trying to become an ambiturner. That’s good!

Too bad his line against lefties like Josef Stalin and David Wells is:

.156 Avg., .198 OBP, .281 SLG, .479 OPS. That’s bad.

Since I’m off of work the rest of the week, I can drink all of the beer in St Louis without a care in the world. That’s good!

So, in conclusion, this game will have a lot of ups and downs, ins and outs, and what-have-yous. My prediction? Padres 8 – Cardinals 6. That’s bad.

If you need me, I’ll be at Nick’s Pub, eating approximately 2,000 chicken wings and drinking a million beers. That’s good!

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Comments:
I'm Ron Burgundy, go fuck yourself San Diego.

Cardinals 9 - Padres 5

Yes, believe it.
 
Nicks Pub, Cardinal Game = Half off appetizers. Thats Really good, except you need Mozzy(God) there or its not the same.
 
Stupid Mozzy and his button down, corporate cock sucking. Not taking off this afternoon to watch the Cards game and gorge himself.

I thought I knew you.
 
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