Fake Christmas '04

This Christmas just didn't feel right.

Maybe it was Christmas falling over a normal weekend. Since it did, nobody really got any extra time off of work for the holidays. After fullfilling all family obligations, there wasn't much time to spend with the friends.

Or...Perhaps it was the fact that for the first time since 1999 I haven't acted as if I was a third party in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and had to jump through hoops and (on at least one occassion) join the circus to make it home for the 25th. It was really easy to get home for the holidays this year.

Whatever it was, this was the weakest Christmas in quite awhile.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being with the fam (although not all of us were present...parental custody rights always make for a bad holiday season.) It just wasn't the same as normal. Many of my friends expressed the same feelings.

Christmas Eve was marred by me pulling my back on the night of the 23rd. I spent X-mas eve with my extended family, getting drunk on white wine with my cousins and popping muscle relaxers. Normally, those ingrediants would make for one hell of an evening, but my back was killing me nonetheless. Apparently self medication does not always work.

And then I went to sleep. Which, apparently was not a good idea. For, I woke up every fifteen minutes either sweating and yelling because my back was in pain or waking up and karate chopping my pillows because I was, technically speaking, freaking the fuck out (consuming a bottle of chardonney, six muscle relaxers, and three excedrin p.m. in one evening will do that to you.)

Luckily, I woke up in the morning. Yes, I know, a Christmas miracle in and by itself. Gift giving was great and I got to relax on the couch all afternoon while waiting for Shaq to decappitate Kobe. Unfortunatly, that never happened.

A tad bit more exciting X-Mas story than my own: My buddy Nate was out drinking until 4:30 in the morning on Christmas eve. Since his sister was serving Mass at 7:30 a.m., Nate had to wake up after three hours of heavy drinking to go to Christmas Mass. To his credit, he did make it to mass and lasted all the way until the Homily before finally giving in to his hangover, leaving the church...vomiting outside of said church... and walking to his parents house in sub-zero degree temputures. He eventually made it back home and slept well into the afternoon, but missed the family opening their presents.

Currently, his mother is no longer speaking to him and he expects to be thrown out of his parents house within the next few days. So it is more than likely that Nate will be living on my couch pretty soon.

Well played, Nate. Happy Holidays.

Also, a big happy thank you to my friend Cathy, who apperently is clairvoyant. After the Busch Braggin' Rights game, she gave me a load of her muscle relaxers, making it physically possible for me to actually sit up-right while interacting with the extended fam on Christmas eve. How you knew I would develop a bad back within a few days, I'll never know...but I owe you one.

Happy Holidays, to you, Cath.

And To everyone else out there:

Opps, Pow, Surprise...Merry Fucking Christmas Everyone.



I'll Be Braggin' For The Rest Of The Year

I talk of rights. The Right to brag.

Braggin' Rights, Baby!

Five years in a row, Illinois has now beaten Missouri.

This year was a little different.
From one aspect, Illinois (this season) had yet to face any sort of adversity, and if they were to (before confrence play, that is) Mizzou is the team that would really fucking bring it.

You really do not know how tough your team is until they have faced adversity.

The University of Illinois saw adversity tonight. And that adversity took the shape and form of the University of Missouri Tigers.
Those kids played their fucking hearts out... and I commend them.

There was a point in time, during the second half, where the outcome of the game was in question. Hopes within the red state of Missouri were raised. But those hopes were flailing.

After a few bad Mizzou possesions, the game was all but sealed up in Illinois favor.

The ballgame basically reached the level where Mizzou could not come back. They were playing against a team whose talent reached a level rarely seen in college play.

Illinois played by far their worst game of the year...and still won, nearly going away.

A valiant effort by Mizzou, but a lose none-the less.

70 to 64. That ain't bad man.

Mizzou proved that they could play a tough game.

And Illinois proved that they can win. Even against a hated rival who had nothing to lose.

And finally we learned that when a game boils down to which team has the biggest cajones...well, sir, The U of I...has a helluva sack!

We Got Rights!

If you're from Illinois, I urge you to go slam a sixer of Busch Heavies. You earned it!

Rack It!



A quick trip to Webster's dictionary teaches us the following:

v.brag(-ging )
1. To assert boastfully

n. right(s)
1. A just or legal claims or title

Braggin' rights
n. Busch Braggin' Rights
1. The annual December showdown between The University of Illinois and the University of Missouri basketball programs
2. A legal contract regarding state's rights and citizens ability to drink Busch brand beer.

And the latest chapter in the Busch Braggin' Rights showdown is tonight.

I'm not going to write any sort of preview. No time. Must start drinking soon.

But here are the legal implications regarding The Busch Braggin' Rights game.

The citizens from the winning school's state may consume Busch beer freely and without judgement for the next year. The citizen's from the losing school's state may too consume Busch beer...but at a cost.

Here's an example of what happens:
My roomate Matt is from Missouri. I am from Illinois.
Since Illinois is the reiging Braggin' Rights Champ, any time I witness Matt drinking a Busch beer, I am allowed (legally, I might add) to take his beer from him and consume it myself.
Why? Because my state has The Rights. Fuck, we earned that right!

I'm sure that many of you are well aware that U of I's basketball program is currently on what I would call a "hot streak." This isn't any hot streak. This would be like me having sex with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jennifer Anniston on the same weekend and casually mentioning that I was "on a hot streak."

Illinois is pure and simply crushing mother-fuckers. No Holds Barred (also a great Hulk Hogan movie, as was Suburban Commando.) They are currently 10 and 0. The average margin of victory is just south of 20. The best description I could give of their play this year is that if they were the home team in a basketball video game, the level of the visiting team would be set to "Mildly Retarded."

Mizzou, on the other hand, is not exactly at a pinnacle in their programs history. Rife with scandal, sacked by NCAA regulations, and coming off loses to Houston and Davidson this season...The Tigers do not have much to lose.

And that is what scares me.

When teams have nothing to lose, everything to gain, and are playing a hated rival...strange things happen (see Boston v. New York, 2004 ALCS for further proof.)

Afterall, that's why we don't play the game on paper, right?

Braggin Rights! Let's Do It!



Hey...There goes Finals!

Finals are done for the semester and your favorite drunk pulled off a 3.0.

So it's time for me to fully enjoy December. Fuck remembering which bedroom heavy coats get stored in. Fuck letting Grandma smoke Kools in my bedroom during Christmas dinner. And fuck using chapstick on a cold winter night...let's get rocked.

And while we all get shit-bombed... let's listen to "I Was Wrong/You We're Right" by Badly Drawn Boy, it's fabulous...again just fucking trust me, here, allright.

I know it's been awhile since I've written anything, but a man's got to study.

Since last we talked a giant fat man name Charlie Weiss is now the head coach of The Univesity Of Notre Dame Football. I'd like to complain, but the man promised to make the program "nasty" and I can't disagree with that.

Afterall, "nasty" has been the top adjective in the english language for fifteen years running. Ever since, in 1988, Janet requested: "Miss Jackson if you're 'nasty'". I guess we're all part of the rythym nation, now (?)

I hate to brag about the fact that my state school (The University of Illinois) is number ONE in all the land, but this is the greatest college basketball team I have seen since Larry Johnson, Stacey Augmon, George Ackles, Anderson Hunt, and the rest of the UNLV Runnin' Rebels dominated the 1989 College B-Ball scene.

I have already sold one of my girl- friends to act as a love-slave if Mizzou defeats Illinois next Wednesday.



That's right... Next Hump Day...Dec. 22nd. The best rivarly in college hoops.

The Busch Braggin' Rights Game.

Illinois v. Missouri.

Blue State v. Red State.

Winner take all.

Let's get it on!

Coming straight from the state that can shoot...
It's Alex Fritz...signing off...
We drain three pointers in our sleep!



Hey, Look Everybody! It's December!

A few thoughts while I try to get ELO's "Telephone Line" out of my head:

1) Yesterday, after I found out that Notre Dame let Ty Willingham go, I wrote approximaitly 4,000 words about the firing. Words which apparently the good people at blogger did not enjoy for whatever reason. Since as soon as I hit the "publish" button, everything dissapeared. Stupid blogger (I hope they didn't read that.) So, if you want to know my feelings about the ND situation, just shoot me an e-mail. I'm not writing all that crap again for nothing.

2) Having broken teeth can be quite fun. I have found that while doing most everyday activities, people have a hard time looking me in the face while talking. It's become some what of a social experiment now. If they can look me in the face...well, you're a better person than I am. I'd be looking away. But, I'm a jerk-ass.

3) #1 Wake Forest v. #3 The University of Illinois. Tonight's tipoff is at 6 cst...and I'll be drunk by 5! If you can catch this game on tv, I'd try to find it on the radio instead. It's "Paint The Hall Orange Night" in Champaign tonight and if you've ever seen one of these on tv before you know that it can be quite distracting and in some cases, has been know to cause nausea.

Anyhoo...off to the 7-11 to grab some malt liquor for the game

"Doo-wap...doo-doo-doo-op...dooWa- doWaa...Blue Days...Black Nights...DooWa...DoWaa"

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"I'll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize the state of Missouri."