Open Letters, Playoff Edition - Losers

To the Boston Red Sox,

After a year of putting up with a "Queer Eye" special, 39 different books written about one season, and enough Curt Schilling opinions to kill a horse, it's over.

Being swept by the White Sox? That's what we like to call come-up-ins.

You won the World Series last year. You are not allowed to be sad. Heck, John Miller called you "The Greatest Champions in the History of Sports," you should still be celebrating your first championship in 86 years. (Also, apparently John Miller has never heard of the real greatest champions ever, George Wright's hard-charging Providence Grays, the National League Champions of 1879.)

Also, most of America (at least those not in the North Eastern Megalopolis and those who are not executives at FOX) are sick of watching you playing the Yankees.

Granted, the last two years were pretty cool, but let's face it...it's over.

As Jim Caple at Page 2 wrote: "Enough already. How could a third episode match the first two? It was rough enough last year without Zim (the Sonny Corleone of the rivalry, always flying off in a rage) but this year there would have been no Pedro to fend off attacks from Bob Sheppard or wax poetic about mango trees. Another Yankees-Red Sox sequel without Pedro? It would have been like Francis Ford Coppola's decision to film "Godfather III" with his daughter but without Robert Duvall."

And yes, I just quoted from Jim Fucking Caple. I am that lame.

Alex Fritz

To the Atlanta Braves,

Kyle Farnsworth? Really? That's your closer?

Sure, the guy has a huge crotch, but his fastball has less movement than...I don't know...something that...doesn't... move...very much (good lord, I suck at analogies.)

What did you expect, then, Atlanta?

You don't win in the playoffs relying on Chicago Cub castaways (Greg Maddux, Mark Grace, and The Eck are exceptions.)

Hell, I'm a little worried about having Mark "Lazy Eye" Grudzielanek and Julian Tavarez on the Cardinals.

And neither of them (hopefully) will be playing as important of a role against the Astros as Farnsworth did.

Kyle Farnsworth? You guys got what you deserved.

Eat it,
Alex Fritz
To the San Diego Padres,

First of all, I'm sorry. That wasn't very nice of the Cardinals, was it?

However, knowing the good people of Whale's Vagina, I'm sure they're already over the loss.

But if you're not over it already, here's what I want you to do:

1) Sleep in a little bit, get yourself together, and head down to El Zarape's for some fish tacos.
2) Go surfing.
3) Go down to the Gaslamp. Get some dinner at Croce's (the New York Prime is superb) and then go out and get some drinks.
4) At some point in time remember that you live in the coolest city in America, and that the people in St. Louis may have a better baseball team, but they are all freezing their asses off and they are most definitely not surfing.

Then, I am quite certain you will feel better about yourself.

Alex Fritz
To the New York Yankees,

Tough loss. Sometimes, even the best of us get beaten.

On the bright side, it's not like you guys spent $230 Million to put this team together. If that was the case then losing in the first round would simply be un-fucking-acceptable.

Wait? What's that?


Alex Fritz

Good first round, people. The non-excitement generated in both the Cardinals and White Sox series was basically white washed by an unbelievable 18 inning extravaganza between the Astros and Braves, plus an epic Game 5 featuring the Yanks and Angels.

This should be one hell of a LCS in both leagues. The Cards and 'Stros locked up in a classic last October and they know each other well.

Meanwhile, the Angels take on the White Sox and God only knows what will happen in that series (I'm going to guess that the Ligue family will somehow get involved...somebody warn Bud Black.)

I am, however, looking forward to the talking heads on "PTI" and "Around the Horn" tomorrow debating whether or not it's bad for baseball that the Yankees aren't playing the Red Sox in the ALCS this year.

Get a clue, ESPN. There are people who dislike both the Yanks and the Sawx. Sometimes, in fact almost always, change is good.

It's the number 2 market in the country against the number 3 market. Not exactly Kansas City v. Tampa.

Plus, it's the two teams who have been far and away the best in the league all freaking year. People will care about this series.

Plenty of people will care.

Lets just admit to ourselves Alex that no one in Chicago is cool...not even White Sox fans. And you have to think right now the Cubbie fans across the world are about to have a heart attack if they win on first.

The thing is really...not that many people care and not just because my team is out (that is why I don't care but...) I think the problem is other things hurt baseball this year and again they are struggling to have something great happen in the playoffs to get people watching again.

I mean that stupid dancing show had better ratings then the NLDS/ALDS...

but for all us baseball fans...we will be watching!
And you know all us loser Yankee fans are saying "well at least the Red Sox lost too".

Can't wait for your next post, it's like watching Robby Cano on base, you never know what crazy thing will happen next.
Good post...but seriously, anyone who quotes Jim Caple is admitting they are either slightly retarded or fell down six flights of metal stairs.

Jim Caple is a cancer, and I'm...wait, what kills cancer?

Good luck against the Astros (though I'm rooting for them because butt-chinned Pettitte is my favorite player in the league).
At last! Someone else who's sick and tired of the Yankees/Sawx ass-kissing by the networks. You're right...change IS good.
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