The Future Says I Blow It

[have a great halloween weekend, everyone.]

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The Race to Above 268

How I think it will end up:

I'm pessimistic on Ohio, Florida, and Indiana; and optimistic on North Carolina (prove me right, research triangle!), Lovers (re: Virginia), and my show me state.

I think it will be (pretty much) an Electoral blowout, but semi close in the popular vote (three to four percent), but I also think Obama will recieve more votes than any presidential candidate in history.

Regardless, I am looking forward greatly to the third Presidential Election Drinkin' Party of my adult life next Tuesday. No matter who wins, we all win, since it means no more political commercials.

The two fox aired 12 political commercials between 8:30 and 9:00 yesterday (Yes I am keeing track). The season moving into Christmas cannot happen soon enough.




Where I Stand

Since I don't honestly agree with either candidate for president on all of the issues (although, were I to hire only one of them to run my life for the next four years, Obama would win 99% of the time, hence the adamant endorsement), this is the platform I would run on if I wasn't a 28 years old, alcoholic, budhatholic, non college graduate, moral derelict, long haired asshole who might just fucking curse too god damn fucking much. Yes, this is my plan for running for Presidency:

Al Fritz: A New Beginning

(Welcome to Thunderdome, bitches! Prepare for rape!)

I have only one word to describe how America was founded. What this country fought for to gain it's independence and beat back the oppressive, rapists arms of the tyranny. And the creepy, pretty rapist arms of the Brits. One, as the pig latins would say, owrday: Tariffs.

We are going to impose a whole lot of them on anything coming in, and anything going out. 30% for the next three years. Don't like it? Buy American, sell American. Are we going to be isolationists now? Kind of, at least for the next three years, until we fix this country, not another one.

A flat tax for all incomes. 35% the first year, 40% the next three years. Don't like it? Leave. Less people to take care of makes it an easier job to do. Enjoy the capitalist country of your choosing (a list which is slimming down here). We look forward to you coming back in four years when the country is back to where it should be.

Get the government into business. The business of providing jobs: Jobs building roads, running power plants, maintaining and strengthening the power and telecommunications infrastructure, and making cars. Yes, cars. More on that later.

Our roads freaking suck. The one thing that I took away from driving around Kuwait is that good roads feel like you are driving on pillows. Our roads feel like you are driving on terrible fucking roads.

Get the nation off of oil (and not just foreign oil, all oil. Sure, you can still buy gas if you want to drive your truck muddin' for fun, but it will be oil that has been taxed the fuck out of -- and it's oil which we have still taxed the shit out of, because getting the fuck out of it stilllll wasn't enough -- and it will cost around $20 a gallon. Buy it if you want to, but you will do so with the realization that your "hobby" of muddin' is fucking moronic) by the end of my first term and, consequently, get the military out of the Middle East.

Speaking of: A bigger, more effective military. We train for cold weather in Canada and hot weather in Mexico. Three new MEUs and three new carriers will float the world, at all times, ready to strike. A bigger, better Army and a bigger, better Air Force. A stealth in the air at all times.

Although, since we have left Mecca, the terrorists probably wont have beef with us any longer and the world will be a bit safer.

Marijuana, you're now legal. And taxed. 30%.

Gays, go get married in any courthouse you like. File joint taxes, adopt kids, do everything that straight couples can do. You're now legally married. Try not to get divorced as much as us, though. I'll leave it up to your churches to decide whether or not God approves of your union.

Roe v Wade, my position is clear. As the great twentieth century politicizer Kang once said "Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others."

I actually really like Obama's health care plan and fake Military style-ish draft for free college in exchange for community service (I think he might have stolen that one from me, actually). Those stay.

Teachers, your salary now starts off at 60K a year, topping off at 90K; a raise of one grand every year you stay in the profession, not to exceed thirty years. If your class fails to meet testing standards -- which will be high and independent in every school district, free of nationwide standardized testing -- you lose 10K. The first time it happens. 20K the second in five years. Fail three times in eight years, you're fired.

Strengthen our infrastructure: highways, electric, etc. We've got a big crush of electricity about to hit our grid, and cars to hit the high and/or bigh ways.

An expanded railway system to help get some semis off the highways. And expanded commuter systems to get cars off of the streets.

A nuclear plant per state. Windmills, windmills, windmills. Your roof is now covered in solar panels and powers your house. We, the gov, paid for it. You're welcome and the warranty runs out on it when I leave office in a few years.

Free e-cars for everyone at the end of year three of my presidency (Don't think we can do it? We put a fucking man on the moon forty god damn years ago. We have built an e-car. And it's driving around motherfucking MARS!) Your e-car warranty covers it through my presidency at your local Ford-GM-Chrysler dealership.

Speaking of putting a man on the moon and a car on Mars, NASA, you're out of business for a few years. If we can scrap the space program for three years while we rebuild our nations bridges and get the United States military out of the global cross hairs, so be it. Sorry, Neptune.

Maybe you're worried that you'll lose your home or small business because of these tax hikes. You won't. Because my predecessor went all socialist his last few months in office and we own these motherfucking banks. We ain't foreclosing, brother. Can't make your payments? Go down to the local Secretary of the Interior office and sit down with a rep. Show him how much you make monthly and we will hash out a payment plan that you can afford. It's better off than the bank foreclosing your property for thirty cents on the dollar. Lets really bailout you, Joe Sixpack/Plumber.

And all of you good hardworking people that have been paying your 200K mortgage off at 6.8%, lets bail you out too. Come on down and we will refinance you at 5.5. Why? Because we can. We own the fucking banks. We just bailed out billions and billions of dollars to companies which ran themselves into the ground and were rewarded for their incompetence. We can afford to shave 15 grand off of your house. Besides, it's not worth what you bought it for anyway, six months ago.

What happens after three years of my Presidency? Either the nation is on the upswing and they vote me back in or it is not and they do not. But, I'd be willing to bet it will be looking good.

Good enough that in years five through eight of my presidency, we still have a flat tax. Of motherfucking 18%.

Because we no longer need to pay for protecting oil halfway around the world. We have new, safer roads. New cars (which Detroit won't mind upgrading for you, of course). Better transportation. New jobs fixing solar panels and windmills and down at the local plant and blah blah blah. A better, non being shot at military. Better schools. The same health care (is it really that bad now? I've had gov health care. It sucks and you don't want it.) More affordable homes. And less dumb ass missions to Mars.

And who is the VP? Television's Richard Moll, of course! Every time I do something ridiculous, "Bull" slaps his head, hilarity ensues, and I get off scott free. This VP selection is so easy, I kind of expect Sarah Palin to come up with a catch phrase like "Nah-Uh, Sista, he dih-int!" to use whenever Biden makes a guffaw or McCain throws a zinger just for comedic effect.

Yes, your taxes will be high for the next four years, but we will restore this great nation of ours and make it awesome.

Or, just go the opposite route. Either way, really.

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Mo Propmendments 2008

Two and a half weeks until the elections are over and I can stop thinking about politics and go back to obsessing on how the Cardinals can acquire an actual shortstop this offseason and why I can't teach my dog to talk like Brian Griffin (I can get him to talk like Gilbert Gottfried, and good god is that annoying).

I do wish there was a Senatorial election in Missouri this cycle, mainly so I could vote against Claire McCaskill for voting for the "bailout" after she said she wouldn't if it included any pork, but also because a filibuster-proof Senate (which is possible) to go along with a Democratic White House is way too much power for a group that, were they to be a baseball team, would probably be the Cubs. I mean, these guys can fuck up anything.

Anyhoo, on to the local offices:

(If you think I'm joking about how I vote on these things, I am not. Joe Biden nearly got my initial support for Democratic nominee simply because he wears aviator sunglasses and likes drinking vodka (he's just like me!) before I sided with Bill Richardson, simply because he's awesome. Then it became clear that he'd never win (but I'm hoping he gets a nice Secretary position, such as Interior or Love), so the allegiance went with the home state Senator.)

On to the props!

So that's where we stand. And by "we" I mean "I." Now, where the fuck did Amendments 2 and 3 run off to?

[have a fantastic fall weekend, everybody. invest in chimineas!]

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Debate #3: Why Isn't It Over Yet?

I thought McCain was winning the debate -- handily -- twenty minutes into it. Then the Ayers question, much like Putin, reared it's ugly head. After Obama -- rather correctly -- explained his connections with Ayers and ACORN (while taking the high road and not mentioning McCain speaking at an ACORN rally last year), Senator McCain was flustered as hell.

Lots of eye rolls, snorts, and smirks.

Very presidential.

By the end of it all:

Also, political adds "attacking" the opponents policies are not "attack ads." These are adds highlighting the differences your administration would have as opposed to the others.

"Attacking" your opponents judgment, character, and relationships, after 20 million Americans have vetted him, are "attack ads." That's the difference.

By the way, Palin's kid has Downs Syndrome, not Autism, John. And Mrs Obama's name is Michelle.

(Not to jinx it, but thanks, Nate: Congratulations, President Obama.)

(Unless Joe The Plumber throws his hat in the ring. Go with the Know Nothings, Joe!)

[Update 10/17]: Joe The Plumber's not even a fucking plumber? We've been had!

And a hat tip to Liam, if McCain would have used his comedy writers on the trail and at the debates, I think he would have been much better off.

Man, he reminds me of Johnny Carson more and more.




I Am White.

I realized during dinner yesterday that The Wife and I officially are the people this guy has been writing about.

Really white things I did Sunday:

1. Grabbed donuts and coffee at the local donut shop.
2. Drove my Honda to work.
3. Thought about my dog (The Wife took him to a pumpkin patch).
4. Came home from work, read the Sunday paper (excellent endorsement article, by the by).
5. Drove my other Honda to the local Obama office to get a yard sign*
6. Had a very nice sushi dinner at the local sushi spot.
7. Enjoyed an evening of wine, Iron Chef America, Non-Cardinals baseball playoffs, Entourage, and I am Trying to Break Your Heart on the basement couch with the dog and Wife.

On the whiteness scale of one to ten, I think my Sunday came in at an 8.5. A trip to REI/Whole Foods, wearing some North Face stuff, or tossing the Frisbee at the park would have gotten me a ten, but I had to put in seven hours at the ol' air base. Which, I guess, is pretty white too.

My god I've gotten lame in my advanced years.

*I absolutely loathe yard signs, but the neighbor has a McCain/Palin one and we just have to keep up with the Jones.**

**His last name isn't Jones, it's just a saying.***

***Actually, I don't know what his last name is. Maybe it is Jones?

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The Sixth Glass

Missouri's own Boulevard Brewing Company has released a series of specialty crafted beers called The Smokestack Series. The king of the class is The Sixth Glass.

I'm not going to begin to try to describe it, as words like "glorious," "bonerific," and "strumtrulescent" would only do it a disservice so great that I'm afraid it's ridiculous magical abilities would turn my taste buds against me and I would never again be able to enjoy the better than bonerific brew.

Try it, as soon as humanely possible, if not faster. We're talking about world peace makin' taste here.

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Kyle McClellan

Is apparently the commander of US forces in Afghanistan. Or, perhaps, this man has come back from the dead, and will win the civil war half a world away this time.

Granted, I am one of the few that knows who is in command there (It's Gen McKiernan), but if you're going to quote someone on strategy, get their name right please, governor.

I will say that Sarah Palin exceeded the historically low expectations she had set for herself for last nights debate (she didn't yell "FIRE!!!" in the first thirty seconds and run away), but we got a whole lot of style out of the former mayor of a town smaller than Shiloh, IL (admit it, you've never heard of it), even if it was lacking substance. She didn't pee her business skirt, and, somehow, that made her the winner.

While I hate her folksy, populist approach (I'd rather the people leading the country are from downtown, not small town; and the last time we voted for "person I'd like to have a beer with", we are now eight years into being a hated, hated country.) she translates very, very well to some Americans.

And I can't blame her for not answering questions, since the moderator, who is supposed to be in charge of the "debate" let her get away with it.

Sarah Palin during the debate, seemed confidant but ignorant. She "answered" the question but on her own terms. She stuck, religiously, to her talking points and kept her base.

Joe Biden, meanwhile, destroyed John McCain's record on the issues which matters to the working poor and, in my favorite moment of the evening, body slammed Dick Cheney after Gov Palin said she'd like to broaden the role of the VP, fuck the Constitution.

Also, I'd like the president to not smile, wink, and say "you betcha" while answering questions.

I don't want someone who seems "JUST LIKE ME!" to be president, I want someone much smarter than I. Joe Sixpack has lead this country to shit over the last eight years. I want to see what Joe Merlot can do.

When this nation was formed, it was formed by absolutely brilliant people like Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, and Washington. People who hated political parties, but adored the constitution.

The living, breathing document that Gov Palin apparently would love to kill, so long as it's not an incestuous fetus or a gay person who "chooses" to be gay (I honestly wonder if people who are against gay marriages have ever actually talked to a gay person. Being gay isn't a choice; pretending you are not gay and living a terrible life is. Homosexuality is the last acceptable form of discrimination and it is fucking sickening.

The only reason gays are frowned upon is the bible which should be nearly the last thing the government should be referencing to.

And we are at a point in our nation's history where we need such brilliant people, such as our founding fathers. To right the ship; And I honestly believe Barack Obama is a brilliant man.

He is the type of person who cherishes the constitution, not the type to change it to give more power to the executive branch.

Sarah Palin, who is experienced as A PTA member, wants expanded Vice Presidential responsibilities.

Joe Biden wants a stiff vodka drink. I know who gets my vote.

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"I'll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize the state of Missouri."