A Memo To The Saint Louis Cardinals Ownership

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have what this organization needs. No, it’s not consistent quality starting pitching. No, it’s not Jeff Gillooly taking out Timo Perez (what the hell is he doing on the team?) And no, it’s not a time machine to keep you from tearing down Busch II and replacing it with nothing more than a modern cookie cutter stadium (the irony of tearing down what was generally referred to as the last of the cookie cutter stadiums -- which would make it unique in that aspect -- for a carbon copy of what is in Phily/Cinci/Pitt/Det/etc. is simply stunning to me.)

No, it’s none of those all too obvious quick fixes. What this organization needs is a name change.

Name changes are something which the Cardinals fanbase is more than familiar with. From “Brown Stockings” to “Browns” to “Perfectos” (or, as some would lead you to believe, the “Fantasticos”) to “Cardinals,” the city of St. Louis has seen the team play under a variety of names. And, to be blunt, “Cardinals” is getting a little stale.

To maintain a lead over other mid-market baseball teams, this organization needs to stay on the cutting edge. Push the envelope just a little bit further than the boys down in Houston. Shake things up harder than they do it in Cleveland. In order to keep up with the rest of the league, this must be an organization based on progress and forward thinking. As Mz. Lindsey Neagle of Advanced Capital Ventures would say, a successful institution must be based on synergy and on the ability to be more dynamic than the competition (and selling books on how to cheat at bridge.)

With this in mind, I have come up with a name that not only all of St. Louis can rally around, but also the most dynamic and syner-tastic name in the history of names.

A name which screams “Winner!” and “Leadership!” and “Success!”

A name which turns a common street whore into a nun simply by hearing it.

A name which, based on preliminary testing, may very well cure cancer.

“The Chris Duncans.”

And with this, I humbly request -- nay, I not-so-humbly demand! -- that the Cardinals should from here on out be known as the “St. Louis Chris Duncans.”

The time of the “St. Louis Cardinals” has passed. The time of the “St. Louis Chris Duncans” is now.

Embrace it.

Alex Fritz, Esq.

PS. Think of how much money you’ll make when all the hoosiers (myself included) have to go buy brand new “Chris Duncans” jerseys. Yeah, you’re actually considering it now, aren’t you?

PPS. If you guys get swept at Wrigley again this weekend, you’re dead to me.

PSPS. I’m not really an Esquire. I don’t even know what it means.

[have a great late summer weekend, billy joel fans]


given this past weekend's events, (chris duncan hitting a homerun in every fucking game), i think we should call the team, "Fuck You Tony for taking the hottest fucking bat out of the hottest fucking hands of the hottest fucking hitter on the team. FUCK YOU TONY! FUCK YOU!"

what do you think?
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