Take That Right Downtown.. and Print it!

Something to think about for this weekend's Cubs v. Cards series. You just know one of these is brewing up in Lou Pinella, no?

(note - probably not safe for work, and I wouldn't play it around any kids, either; unless, of course, you want your kids asking their teacher where the "playground for cocksuckers" is at school next Monday.)

(admittedly, that would be awesome.)

[have a great weekend, kids. i will be sober for approximately ten seconds of it.]

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Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

I post this for reasons twofold:

1) Remember to watch The Office tonight.

2) I bought a pair of those glasses a few months ago for the sole reason of infuriating The Lady Friend. It works amazingly well.

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Don't Argue. Its Science. And Logic.

Daylight exacerbates warning

You may have noticed that March of this year was particularly hot. As a matter of fact, I understand that it was the hottest March since the beginning of the last century. All of the trees were fully leafed out and legions of bugs and snakes were crawling around during a time in Arkansas when, on a normal year, we might see a snowflake or two. This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know, Daylight Saving Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they? Perhaps this is another plot by a liberal Congress to make us believe that global warming is a real threat. Perhaps next time there should be serious studies performed before Congress passes laws with such far-reaching effects.


What an idiot. "Or did they?" is totally a fragment sentence!

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You Asked For It*, You Got It

Braden Looper on a unicycle!

*no, no you didn't.

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A Very Special Monday FYC

For your Monday morning viewing pleasure:

The Time Travelin' Adventures of Time Travelin' Juan Encarnacion and His Adventures in Time Travelin' (all in one, long, drawn out strip.)

And, as always for this summer (or, until we get sick of it and quit in two weeks): Random Cardinal Thoughts.

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"Thanks For the Smoke!"

One last final note from a violent, hilarious week in Peoria:

21-year-old knocked out Thursday in West Bluff

PEORIA - A 21-year-old Peoria man was punched and knocked unconscious early Thursday in the West Bluff.

Jonathan D. Powers was walking in the 100 block of Richmond Avenue about 12:15 a.m. when a man approached him and asked for a cigarette, police said.

After Powers gave him a cigarette, the man asked Powers why he was in the neighborhood. He then punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground.

Powers said he tried to get up, but must have passed out. When he came to, the man was gone.


I mean... damn. Thats just uncalled for.

[have a great spring weekend, everybody. check it out, they're blowing up the bridge by my house! I'm going to get on my grind and check it out.]

[oh, and don't forget to check out the new guy!]




Random Cardinal Thoughts

Earlier this week, I was lamenting on the lack of having an "official" Cardinals blog to comment upon my Cardinal thoughts, most of which have to do with the strange tingling which comes from my loins whenever Braden Looper strikes somebody out. Since last years Daily Redbird is now kaput -- 3/5 of the rotation (Bacott, Imig, and Sebek) are now blogging at STL Sports Mag, which you should check out -- The odd men out (Major and I) have decided to start our own Cards blog (since those stupid idiots wont let us in their crappy club for jerks).

It's name: Random Cardinal Thoughts

So Major (who you probably know from Joe Sports Fan) and I (from, well, here) are going to be joined by Liam (from Hey... Listen), Mozzy (from, well... down the street, I guess), and a few other yet to be determined souls in writing what will hopefully be the most ridiculous Cardinals blog out there. Just a bunch of 20-somethings Cards fans, full of piss and vinegar (not that much vinegar, really) with a disproportionate knowledge of mid 90's gangsta rap and a strong dislike for Skip Schumaker.

I'd like to think that the blog will, in the end, be a total, unmitigated disaster. An absolute cyber train wreck, if you will. I promise to be as ridiculous, and as random, as humanly possible for the next few months. If I have to rationally compare Scott Spiezio to Tesla's "Love Song", don't you push me, I'll do it.

I will freaking do it.

Stop on by, say hello, read some of Cliff Clavin's Little Known Cardinals Fact O' The Day™, go to a motel, drink a gallon of brandy, hang out in robes, and see what develops.

Cause I think I dig your style.

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I've got a few things on my plate this week (mainly old chicken bones), so I'm phoning it in again today, and probably will again tomorrow. Here is another article from Peoria's rag, reminding me why I still read it every morn. Its not "funny," per se, until the last line. Sells the whole damn story.

That city rules.

Pekin woman choked, robbed in Peoria Monday

PEORIA - A Pekin woman was robbed and choked Monday by an acquaintance whom she drove to the West Bluff.

The 21-year-old had visited a friend at Hurlburt House, 818 W. Hurlburt St., and was leaving about 3 p.m. when a man she knows as "BJ" asked her for a ride. She told police she agreed to give him a lift because she had met him before.

She stopped the car in the 1000 block of Flora Avenue to let the man out. He then reached into her purse, which was sitting on the seat between them, and removed an undisclosed amount of money.

She tried to hit the man, but he grabbed her by the neck and choked her, police said. He then ran from the car with her money.

She drove herself to Methodist Medical Center in Peoria for treatment and was released.

The only other bit of information she could tell police about "BJ" was he was wearing a black T-shirt that said, "Give me your money, trick."

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My Life May Suck, But At least I'm Not This Guy

Robber takes frozen food from Long John Silver's

Peoria - Employees at a North Peoria fast food restaurant thought something was fishy* when they discovered someone had entered their business during the night.

A manager at Long John Silver's, 7810 N. University St., found an intruder had pried a window open on the south side of the building sometime between 11:30 p.m. Sunday and 8:15 a.m. Monday, police reports said.

Once inside, the robber tried to break into a safe to no avail and later left with an unknown amount of frozen meat and seafood.

If you ever find yourself inside of a Long John Silver's freezer, stealing boxes of frozen seafood, I think you should pause for a second to look back and try to find the exact moment that your life began to spiral out of control. So out of control that you eventually find yourself standing in the freezer of a Long John Silver's, stealing boxes of frozen seafood.

And then run, man! You got fish to cook!

* That pun was unavoidable and you know it.

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Time Travelin' Juan Encarnacion, Part VI

April 13, 2007: After one too many misadventures through history, Time Travelin' Juan Encarnacion finds himself in the hospital where Tony La Russa visits him. On this very special Dumb Cartoon, lets listen in...

Juan, what's wrong?

Hi skip... I'm so... cold...

Dr Leo Spaceman, what's wrong?

Well, all of this time travel, while helping to make the world a better place, has completely destroyed Juan's DNA. You may notice that's he's much darker now then he was before. Now, to the untrained eye, that may just look like a healthy glow, but science has proven over the years that messed up DNA, caused by too much time travel, darkens the skin.

But I thought Juan was actually a cyborg...

Long answer "yes", with a "but"; short answer "no", with an "if." Cut to the chase, Juan will be dead sometime in between right now and... Oh, jeez, if you'll excuse me, I think I heard my Meat Machine ding. Meat is the new bread.

Oh, my... What have I done? Juan, stay with me!

... Grandma?

Stay away from the light!

Don't cry for me, skip. I'm already dead.

Don't think of it as dying, Juan. You're just being waved around the third base of life, to that big home plate in the sky.


Good night, sweet cyborg prince.


Where am I?

Welcome to heaven, Juan!

Jose Oquendo! Wait... are you... you're God?!?

I'm a lot of things.

[have a great friday the 13th weekend, kids. i promise this piece is now over.]

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Time Travelin' Juan Encarnacion, Part V

June 28, 1914: Juan shows up in Sarajevo just in time to keep Gavrilo Princip from assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria.

(Also, as a programming note, make sure you tune in tomorrow for a very special episode of The FYC, in which Al finally quits beating this dead horse... Or does he?)

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Time Travelin' Juan Encarnacion, Part IV

May 5, 1997: During the release of NBC's upcoming Fall schedule, Juan shows up to make sure "Wings" gets a lifetime contract on the Network.

(Note- this one doesn't have anything to do with Tony La Russa; Juan just thinks that Lowell Mather, Antonio Scarpacci, and Roy Biggins were all hilarious.)

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Time Travelin' Juan Encarnacion, Part III

March 21, 2007: Juan shows up just in time to keep the waiter from giving noted lightweight Tony La Russa a hotter-upper, saving Tony from getting a tiny DUI later that evening.

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Time Travelin' Juan Encarnacion, Part II

October 15, 1988: During the 9th inning of Game One of the 1988 World Series, T-1000 Encarnacion shows up in the Los Angeles Dodgers' dugout with a bowl full of spaghetti and meatballs, distracting Dodger's manager Tommy Lasorda. Lasorda fails to put Kirk Gibson in as a pinch hitter and Dennis Eckersley goes on to get the save for the A's, who in turn proceed to sweep the Dodgers, giving Tony La Russa his first World Series title.

And now, a public service announcement brought to you by Major League Baseball:

[have a great easter weekend, everybody. remember to ring in the resurrection of christ with a bang. and by "a bang", i mean "whiskey shooters."]

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Time Travelin' Juan Encarnacion, Part I

Since pulling a no-show at the World Series parade, Juan Encarnacion has been seldom seen around Cardinals Nation. After I noticed he ghost rode (no, not that way) his convertible in the Opening Night festivities, it dawned on me what has happened. Tony La Russa, the (evil?) genius which he is, has sent Juan (better known as "The Cyborg Who Plays Right Field") back throughout time to, in the words of the good Dr. Beckett, "Put right what once went wrong."

Right now, as you are reading this, Juan Encarnacion is somewhere in the past, cleaning up some of Tony La Russa's mistakes. I realize this may blow your mind, but that's because you're not thinking fourth dimensionally, Marty.

So let us take a look at where Juan is right at this very moment:

July 23, 1998: In an effort to keep Ray Lankford as a skinny base stealer with some pop in his bat throughout the late 90's (and not just another fat guy with warning track power), Tony La Russa has sent T-1000 Encarnacion to Mike Duffy's Pub & Grill in order to keep Ray from eating a sixth plate of chicken wings.

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This is Skip Schumaker. Skippy is on the team mainly as a defensive specialist. Some people wanted John Rodriguez to have the final outfield roster spot for the Cards, but TLR likes having Skip's defensive prowess in his arsenal.

And then last night, during the cards 4-1 loss to fire balling El Duque and his Mets, Skippy got hit in the head.

By a fly ball.

I fear that karma may be paying us back for last October.

Oh well, time to tip the cap and move on. Go get 'em Braden Looper! Lets not let this:

actually happen.

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Linky's: This and/or That

In case you want to read my NL Central preview in one continuous, strip: Here ye be. Thanks to Imig for getting it together, but he only did it so he wouldn't have to write a column. Lazy bastard.

Completely agree with this. Set your DVRs and VCRs.

Liam live blogged the most anti-climatic Opening Night ever. That Rolen DP was a kick in the balls, no? Not much else to say about the game though. Carp was very un-Carp, soft tossing lefties continue to dominate the Birds, the new scoreboard in right looks great, as do the flags on top of it.

Just a good case of the bad game. Go get 'em tonight, Kip!

Oh, and Tony La Russa does not care for your second guessing. Asshole.

Phil Garner is my favorite manager ever. Everything he did yesterday was the exact opposite of what he should have done. "Who are you, Phil Garner?" "I'm the opposite of every manager you've ever met."

A good way to waste five minutes. I really do love Improv(e) Everywhere.

And that concludes one really lazy post.

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"I'll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize the state of Missouri."