8/01/2008
The Man Who Made Mike Nadel More Famous
Yesterday morn, after pursing my hometown's local rag, I forwarded this bizzare column about Erin Andrews whoring it up (or something) in the Cubs locker room to The Big Lead which morphed into this post on Deadspin, then this on TBL, and these on the internets, and this interview with Nadel on Deadspin.
Honestly, I've always liked Erin Andrews (who, while attractive, isn't any hotter than a lot of broads you see at bars these days) (yes, I still say "broads". I also wear fedoras.) (And I also say "these days", making me apparently 68 years old) and she takes too much shit just because she's attractive. howerver, flitting around (whatever the fuck "flitting" means) the Cubs clubhouse is beyond strange, and I figured TBL would like to hear about it. Since I'm one of twelve people who actually reads a paper Nadel writes for, I figured I'd be the only one to spread the message on this weird, weird topic.
(Honestly: "At one point, she placed her hand suggestively on Soriano's left bicep."? How'd this guy even get through junior high?)
The column originally penned didn't come across to me as jealous as it did to some others. It had legs but ended up falling flat on it's face, ending as well as a Joel Pinerio start.
Nadels' not a bad columnist, he's just not funny. When he tries to be, it doesn't translate and makes for a sad trombone.
So, in conclusion, I need to stop reading random papers and forwarding articles before I kill what Al Gore invented. Also, I need to write more on this here digital toilet. And Erin Andrews showing it off in the Cubs locker room kind of pisses me off as a Cardinals fan. What, Braden Looper doesn't do it for you? The guys got an eight inch cock... around.
Honestly, I've always liked Erin Andrews (who, while attractive, isn't any hotter than a lot of broads you see at bars these days) (yes, I still say "broads". I also wear fedoras.) (And I also say "these days", making me apparently 68 years old) and she takes too much shit just because she's attractive. howerver, flitting around (whatever the fuck "flitting" means) the Cubs clubhouse is beyond strange, and I figured TBL would like to hear about it. Since I'm one of twelve people who actually reads a paper Nadel writes for, I figured I'd be the only one to spread the message on this weird, weird topic.
(Honestly: "At one point, she placed her hand suggestively on Soriano's left bicep."? How'd this guy even get through junior high?)
The column originally penned didn't come across to me as jealous as it did to some others. It had legs but ended up falling flat on it's face, ending as well as a Joel Pinerio start.
Nadels' not a bad columnist, he's just not funny. When he tries to be, it doesn't translate and makes for a sad trombone.
So, in conclusion, I need to stop reading random papers and forwarding articles before I kill what Al Gore invented. Also, I need to write more on this here digital toilet. And Erin Andrews showing it off in the Cubs locker room kind of pisses me off as a Cardinals fan. What, Braden Looper doesn't do it for you? The guys got an eight inch cock... around.
Labels: Links, Mike Nadel Still Sucks, Stuff You Probably Don't Care About
5/30/2008
Bloggy Mc Blogs
Two new blogs to check out while you listen to Kicking Television on itunes and remember just how awesome Wilco's shows at the Pageant were two weeks back and wonder why they don't just play there every night (they'd sell out, no?).
The Rebirth of Slack. Cause you can't keep a nigga down. Even when a "nigga" is a white jew from Lawn Gisland who loves Phish, soccer, and cock, Ace Cowboy is back to rock your god damn muther fucing socks off with racist jokes and half formed opinions. Keep us entertained this summer, Ace.
New Cards blog at the RFT: The Rundown written by the fantastic writer known at VEB as El Rojo De Baron, Aaron Schafer. I'll lie and say that I'm not at all jealous that I'm not the one writing about the Cards at the RFT (I am a two time winner of "local blog 'o the week" there and I do bother their editor every year that the Cards are in the post season that he should get me free tickets to the playoff games and let me write "Man On The Street" columns), but Aaron is approx a 9,000 times better writer than myself, so his new blog serves the general public in a much better manner than anything I would have written (knock knock jokes and crude drawings of a half naked -- bottom half, yes -- Dave McKay).
Anyhoo... check 'em out.
[and have a great late spring summer. try the schafly pilsner.]
The Rebirth of Slack. Cause you can't keep a nigga down. Even when a "nigga" is a white jew from Lawn Gisland who loves Phish, soccer, and cock, Ace Cowboy is back to rock your god damn muther fucing socks off with racist jokes and half formed opinions. Keep us entertained this summer, Ace.
New Cards blog at the RFT: The Rundown written by the fantastic writer known at VEB as El Rojo De Baron, Aaron Schafer. I'll lie and say that I'm not at all jealous that I'm not the one writing about the Cards at the RFT (I am a two time winner of "local blog 'o the week" there and I do bother their editor every year that the Cards are in the post season that he should get me free tickets to the playoff games and let me write "Man On The Street" columns), but Aaron is approx a 9,000 times better writer than myself, so his new blog serves the general public in a much better manner than anything I would have written (knock knock jokes and crude drawings of a half naked -- bottom half, yes -- Dave McKay).
Anyhoo... check 'em out.
[and have a great late spring summer. try the schafly pilsner.]
Labels: Links, Stuff You Probably Don't Care About
10/18/2007
1985 Dwight's Gift For 2005 Dwight
While priming myself to get ready for tonight's epsiode of The Office, I stumbled across Dwight Shrute's "blog." It is, as you probably expected, the awesome.
"Hello internetizens. I have returned from my web logging hiatus. You may be asking yourself, “what happened to Dwight all summer?” Shut up. It’s none of your business. Just focus on the present. In this case, the present has two meanings. In its first usage, it is temporal. The present is the here and now. It is also being used to mean “a gift.” This web log is a present from me to you, the reader, because you do not pay for it and I am giving it to you. Enjoy your present (both meanings).
This weekend, while my cousin Mose was aerating the soil in the East Field, he came upon a metal box labeled “For Dwight. DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2005.” Luckily, Mose is not nosey and brought it to me unopened right away.
As it turns out, the box was a time capsule that I had left for myself in 1985. It was quite interesting to see what 1985 Dwight had left for 2005 Dwight, even though 2005 Dwight forgot it was there and had to be reminded by 2007 Mose two years later.
These are the contents of 1985 Dwight’s Time Capsule:
1. A dehydrated beet sculpture of myself holding a very small metal box meant to represent a miniature version of the time capsule. I was very much into beet miniatures when I was teenager. I did not, however, know my “BeetDwight” would shrivel into dehydration. That occurred because of science, not intention.
2. A friendship bracelet. They were all the rage amongst agricultural teenagers in 1985. I was susceptible to fads back then. This has since been corrected.
3. Half of a Twix Bar. It must have fallen in.
4. A letter to myself. It said: “Hello Dwight. If you’re reading this, then you are not dead. Good. If you are not Dwight and you are reading this, be aware that this letter is cursed and the ghost of me will haunt you forever. Dokken Rules. Dwight.”
5. A letter to my wife. This is a sensitive subject as I am unmarried and have obviously disappointed my former self.
6. The carcass of a vole. At first I thought it had either fallen in or been trapped while attempting to retrieve the Twix bar. After careful thought, however, I remembered that this was the skeleton of my neighbor’s pet. I despised him and kidnapped one of his voles. Unfortunately, the vole perished before I could return her, so I threw her into the time capsule so there would be no evidence. This serves as my confession. If any authorities are reading this, I willingly accept any punishment bestowed upon me, although I believe the statute of limitations on vole manslaughter has run out.
This “blast from the past” has cast an interesting shadow over my week. It has provided cause for great self-reflection. In truth, however, I am proud of who I have become and regret nothing. Now I must make a time capsule for 2025 Dwight. I hope he is alive when he opens it. And married. And running a large paper company. And a beet magnate or mogul, whichever is most powerful in 2025. Additionally, I hope he has created a way to keep miniature beet sculptures hydrated over long periods of time, thus making himself very rich yet unburdened by the pressures of being overly wealthy.
That is all,
Dwight K. Schrute
2007 Version"
Truth be told, anytime I hear "cousin Mose" I laugh, so I just might be a sucker for this whole thing.
"Hello internetizens. I have returned from my web logging hiatus. You may be asking yourself, “what happened to Dwight all summer?” Shut up. It’s none of your business. Just focus on the present. In this case, the present has two meanings. In its first usage, it is temporal. The present is the here and now. It is also being used to mean “a gift.” This web log is a present from me to you, the reader, because you do not pay for it and I am giving it to you. Enjoy your present (both meanings).
This weekend, while my cousin Mose was aerating the soil in the East Field, he came upon a metal box labeled “For Dwight. DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2005.” Luckily, Mose is not nosey and brought it to me unopened right away.
As it turns out, the box was a time capsule that I had left for myself in 1985. It was quite interesting to see what 1985 Dwight had left for 2005 Dwight, even though 2005 Dwight forgot it was there and had to be reminded by 2007 Mose two years later.
These are the contents of 1985 Dwight’s Time Capsule:
1. A dehydrated beet sculpture of myself holding a very small metal box meant to represent a miniature version of the time capsule. I was very much into beet miniatures when I was teenager. I did not, however, know my “BeetDwight” would shrivel into dehydration. That occurred because of science, not intention.
2. A friendship bracelet. They were all the rage amongst agricultural teenagers in 1985. I was susceptible to fads back then. This has since been corrected.
3. Half of a Twix Bar. It must have fallen in.
4. A letter to myself. It said: “Hello Dwight. If you’re reading this, then you are not dead. Good. If you are not Dwight and you are reading this, be aware that this letter is cursed and the ghost of me will haunt you forever. Dokken Rules. Dwight.”
5. A letter to my wife. This is a sensitive subject as I am unmarried and have obviously disappointed my former self.
6. The carcass of a vole. At first I thought it had either fallen in or been trapped while attempting to retrieve the Twix bar. After careful thought, however, I remembered that this was the skeleton of my neighbor’s pet. I despised him and kidnapped one of his voles. Unfortunately, the vole perished before I could return her, so I threw her into the time capsule so there would be no evidence. This serves as my confession. If any authorities are reading this, I willingly accept any punishment bestowed upon me, although I believe the statute of limitations on vole manslaughter has run out.
This “blast from the past” has cast an interesting shadow over my week. It has provided cause for great self-reflection. In truth, however, I am proud of who I have become and regret nothing. Now I must make a time capsule for 2025 Dwight. I hope he is alive when he opens it. And married. And running a large paper company. And a beet magnate or mogul, whichever is most powerful in 2025. Additionally, I hope he has created a way to keep miniature beet sculptures hydrated over long periods of time, thus making himself very rich yet unburdened by the pressures of being overly wealthy.
That is all,
Dwight K. Schrute
2007 Version"
Truth be told, anytime I hear "cousin Mose" I laugh, so I just might be a sucker for this whole thing.
Labels: Awesomness, Links, The Office
10/15/2007
Dane Cook is Hilarious!!!
False.
Dane Cook is not funny. I've said this before and I'll probably say it again, if Dane Cook were to go out for beers with my friends, he'd be the least funny guy in the bar (excluding myself, of course). He being considered "funny" is the dumbest thing which has happened to America since people started putting those "No Fear" stickers on their cars.
For a while, I just didn't care, though. Other morons can find him funny, that's fine. I just know well enough to not turn on one of his specials when they're on HBO and to steer clear of his "movies." I don't see him, he doesn't annoy me. Simple as that.
But now with his relentless ad campaign for the MLB playoffs -- which are dumb in and of themselves; why do you run an ad for something that the viewer is already fucking watching? -- I can't take it anymore. Avoidance is no longer an option; annoyance, however, is. He's a gigantic asshat. I hate everything about him, and I just want these playoffs to be over so he goes the fuck away from my tv screen.
On my way back from Indiana this weekend, I stopped by the Christian pilgrimage site which is Effingham, Illinois and had a little talk with God.
Turns out, He hates Dane Cook, too.
Dane Cook is not funny. I've said this before and I'll probably say it again, if Dane Cook were to go out for beers with my friends, he'd be the least funny guy in the bar (excluding myself, of course). He being considered "funny" is the dumbest thing which has happened to America since people started putting those "No Fear" stickers on their cars.
For a while, I just didn't care, though. Other morons can find him funny, that's fine. I just know well enough to not turn on one of his specials when they're on HBO and to steer clear of his "movies." I don't see him, he doesn't annoy me. Simple as that.
But now with his relentless ad campaign for the MLB playoffs -- which are dumb in and of themselves; why do you run an ad for something that the viewer is already fucking watching? -- I can't take it anymore. Avoidance is no longer an option; annoyance, however, is. He's a gigantic asshat. I hate everything about him, and I just want these playoffs to be over so he goes the fuck away from my tv screen.
On my way back from Indiana this weekend, I stopped by the Christian pilgrimage site which is Effingham, Illinois and had a little talk with God.
Turns out, He hates Dane Cook, too.
Labels: Links, people who are not funny
8/14/2007
Since I Need to Write Some Crap Before I'm Overrun by Blog Squatters or Something:
Looooong weekend of baseball a few days back. A handful of thoughts:
1. The return of Rick Ankiel. For the first time since last October, Busch Stadium was electric again over the weekend. This has been a long season, ridiculously so actually, and it's nice to have something to cheer for again without having the looming fear that some guy named Kip is about to give up 19 runs or remembering that one of the relief pitchers fucking died not four months ago. This season has dragggggged; It has seemed to torture just about everyone involved: players, media, fants, et al.
All of a sudden, there's something to cheer for. There is some life in the room.
It's easy to hearken Rick's return to the bolt of energy Larry Walker put into the team in '04, but that team was already good, and Larry Walker kind of stunk (for Larry Walker, at least) down the stretch. But hell, he was like 87 years old and roamed the outfield on a lil' rascle. No, Ankiels return is reminding me of one Will Clark (his play down the stretch that year still nearly gives me a boner). Of course that acquisition propelled the Cardinals into the playoffs, where Rick Ankiel promptly threw his career to the proverbial backstop, thus completing the circle. Creepy, huh?
(Also, the irony that Ankiel was called up to replace a guy who had to go to rehab with a coke addiction is surprisingly tasty, thank you very much.)
2. With Ankiel getting the call up, the Cardinals rotation all of a sudden deciding to become stable-to-good, Adam from accounts receivable somehow developing a good case of the bad knee, andBo Hart Brendan Ryan being recalled from Memphis, this team is starting to take shape. While they still may be craptastic, the NL Central is, at best, craptacular. Is it improbable for this team to make a push? Yes. Is it impossible? No. Nothing is impossible (except for dinosaurs).
At the very least, they've kept me tuned in. Stranger things, no?
3. While I normally enjoy cursing and vulgarity (hell, I cuss like a 27 year old former Marine with asubstantial slight substance abuse problem), this weekend in the bleachers I sat next to a man who may have made me change my stance; he scared me straight. To paint the picture:
Shortly before the first pitch The Lady Friend and I sat in our bleacher seats, sweated profusely (great weather, St Louis!), and enjoyed some bad hot dogs and luke warm, shitty beers. Two gentlemen, both wearing jorts, sleeveless t-shirts and bandannas proceeded to sit down next to us (I just assume they're friends with this guy). The one sitting directly next to me (lets call him Mrs Buttworth, shall we) had been in his seat for approximately five seconds before -- you guessed it -- he went skins. So now I have a large, sweaty, shirtless man sitting next to me. Mrs Buttworth then proceeds to drink about eight beers, knocking over all of them before they are finished. Awesome.
By the seventh inning Mrs Butterworth was greased. Fuckingly so. I had noticed he did not have the most expansive of vocabularies earlier ("I GOT ME A HAT!" exclaimed Mrs Buttworth in the first inning; this man was clearly a few cocks shy of an orgy), but shortly after the seventh inning stretch, he let out one of the longest string of vulgar hate speech I (and, I presume, the many children around me) had ever heard. To paraphrase: "What the fuck do I care. He's just some fucking fagot who gets off but fucking other fagots. God damn queers are ruining this fucking place. Fucking fagots and butt fucking queers..."
This went on for quite some time.
(He also mentioned knocking over a little girl to get a foul ball during batting practice. He cursed a lot during that story, too.)
I sat there, prety much stunned. Here I was trying to watch a good ol' faashioned pitchers duel and allowing my man crush on Adam Wainwright to reach terrifying heights, and I had to listen to this fuckwad. I would have told him to shut up, but he was, as I mentioned, lubed. And about 285 pounds. And I am nothing if not a giant non-confrontational vagina. He left a few minutes later (they stopped selling beer), so the whole thing kind of resolved itself anyway.
I was, in a way, sorry to see him go. Such a pleasant chap.
4. The power at my apartment (I think I'm going to start calling it a flat) has been going on and off for the last week or so now. I would kindly like to request God and/or Ameren to cut it out. This summer was supposed to be about whiskey and NES; We already did this last summer and nobody likes reuns.
-------------
Links:
Just 'cause I can:
That show stunk.
That's it. See you assholes in a month or so.
1. The return of Rick Ankiel. For the first time since last October, Busch Stadium was electric again over the weekend. This has been a long season, ridiculously so actually, and it's nice to have something to cheer for again without having the looming fear that some guy named Kip is about to give up 19 runs or remembering that one of the relief pitchers fucking died not four months ago. This season has dragggggged; It has seemed to torture just about everyone involved: players, media, fants, et al.
All of a sudden, there's something to cheer for. There is some life in the room.
It's easy to hearken Rick's return to the bolt of energy Larry Walker put into the team in '04, but that team was already good, and Larry Walker kind of stunk (for Larry Walker, at least) down the stretch. But hell, he was like 87 years old and roamed the outfield on a lil' rascle. No, Ankiels return is reminding me of one Will Clark (his play down the stretch that year still nearly gives me a boner). Of course that acquisition propelled the Cardinals into the playoffs, where Rick Ankiel promptly threw his career to the proverbial backstop, thus completing the circle. Creepy, huh?
(Also, the irony that Ankiel was called up to replace a guy who had to go to rehab with a coke addiction is surprisingly tasty, thank you very much.)
2. With Ankiel getting the call up, the Cardinals rotation all of a sudden deciding to become stable-to-good, Adam from accounts receivable somehow developing a good case of the bad knee, and
At the very least, they've kept me tuned in. Stranger things, no?
3. While I normally enjoy cursing and vulgarity (hell, I cuss like a 27 year old former Marine with a
Shortly before the first pitch The Lady Friend and I sat in our bleacher seats, sweated profusely (great weather, St Louis!), and enjoyed some bad hot dogs and luke warm, shitty beers. Two gentlemen, both wearing jorts, sleeveless t-shirts and bandannas proceeded to sit down next to us (I just assume they're friends with this guy). The one sitting directly next to me (lets call him Mrs Buttworth, shall we) had been in his seat for approximately five seconds before -- you guessed it -- he went skins. So now I have a large, sweaty, shirtless man sitting next to me. Mrs Buttworth then proceeds to drink about eight beers, knocking over all of them before they are finished. Awesome.
By the seventh inning Mrs Butterworth was greased. Fuckingly so. I had noticed he did not have the most expansive of vocabularies earlier ("I GOT ME A HAT!" exclaimed Mrs Buttworth in the first inning; this man was clearly a few cocks shy of an orgy), but shortly after the seventh inning stretch, he let out one of the longest string of vulgar hate speech I (and, I presume, the many children around me) had ever heard. To paraphrase: "What the fuck do I care. He's just some fucking fagot who gets off but fucking other fagots. God damn queers are ruining this fucking place. Fucking fagots and butt fucking queers..."
This went on for quite some time.
(He also mentioned knocking over a little girl to get a foul ball during batting practice. He cursed a lot during that story, too.)
I sat there, prety much stunned. Here I was trying to watch a good ol' faashioned pitchers duel and allowing my man crush on Adam Wainwright to reach terrifying heights, and I had to listen to this fuckwad. I would have told him to shut up, but he was, as I mentioned, lubed. And about 285 pounds. And I am nothing if not a giant non-confrontational vagina. He left a few minutes later (they stopped selling beer), so the whole thing kind of resolved itself anyway.
I was, in a way, sorry to see him go. Such a pleasant chap.
4. The power at my apartment (I think I'm going to start calling it a flat) has been going on and off for the last week or so now. I would kindly like to request God and/or Ameren to cut it out. This summer was supposed to be about whiskey and NES; We already did this last summer and nobody likes reuns.
-------------
Links:
- Dan's got some pictures.
- Will enjoyed his time as well.
- If Juan leaves, I will miss him. This pic still cracks me up and he may or may not have made out with my friend Cathy.
- One of my favorite wrestlers as a kid died.
- We're all fucked! And not in the good way.
- I'm pretty sure I enjoy the few weeks where I am all pumped up to watch a new college football season more than I do the actual college football season. Oh, hell, thats not true -- I just love Bloodys and wings too much to say such a thing -- but EDSBS helps to get me so.
Just 'cause I can:
That show stunk.
That's it. See you assholes in a month or so.
Labels: Links, Stuff You Probably Don't Care About, The Crappy 2007 Baseball Cardinals
7/19/2007
I Love Corporate E-Mails
Many moons ago, back when I gave an assbag about this blog thing, I wrote:
"My company’s campus has three different cafeterias. Like most cafeterias, they have suggestion boxen. Once a month the management of the company which runs the cafeterias sends out an e-mail which features all of the suggestions, along with a note from the cafeteria management saying (in kinder words) "Go fuck yourself. You’ll eat what we put out there and you’ll pay what we charge. Don’t like it? Go waste half an hour of your lunch hour just walking to your car in the parking lot and eat elsewheres."
These "suggestion e-mails" generally please me, as I like it when companies don't care about their customers and have no bones in saying so."
This is still the way I feel about company wide, suggestion style e-mails. The tickle me absolutely silly. And it is with a sadness knowing no end that I have learned that my company will forego "Town Hall" e-mails for the foreseeable future, instead opting to have live "Town Hall" meetings hosted by our CEO live streamed into everyone's office. This upsets me for reasons two-fold: 1) I'll miss the e-mails, and 2) this is more work for me.
But with this sad news, I bring joy. Well, I don't actually bring it; Will from Deadspin does. His sources leaked him a company wide "Town Hall" style e-mail from the giant, easy to pick on, jumped the shark, corporate monstrosity which is ESPN.
And it's funnier than any e-mail I have ever received.
Some highlights:
Question:
What is being done, (if any), to address sleeping issues of on-duty security personnel? Is there a radio/phone-in person check-in at specific intervals during the overnight hours to prevent an officer from falling asleep on duty?
Answer:
Security posts are rotated every one to three hours to keep the security officers alert on the third shift. The contract security supervisors and our security staff patrol at night to make sure individuals are performing their duties. Any employee who sees a security officer sleeping should immediately report it to the ESPN Security Shift Supervisor on duty at x2486 or x2214.
That sounds safe.
Question:
When will the bicycle rack in front of the south door of Building 3 be reinstalled? It was removed last year during construction.
Answer:
The bike rack has been reinstalled.
Pay attention, asshole.
Question:
Is there or could there be an option to receive a pay check once a week instead of every other Thursday? Many of us live pay check to pay check. Being able to be paid every week would help tremendously.
Answer:
All ESPN employees are paid on a bi-weekly basis and have the same pay date. Payroll is a shared service provided by our parent company and ESPN cannot operate under a different system.
Mr. Morgan, you earn a decent living. If you could control you $10,000 a week faberge egg habit, this would be a non-issue
Question:
What qualities do you feel a Leader should possess?
Answer:
For guidance, please review the Leadership Competencies in Performance Connection on the intranet for information on what is expected of a leader. Another good source for guidance is your department's HR generalist.
Believe it or not, that's actually a quote from Dwight Eisenhower. France, 1945.
Question:
Given the success of Dancing with the Stars" on ABC, (and "So You Think You Can Dance" on FOX), does ESPN plan to capitalize on this nationwide dance obsession, (and high TV/internet ratings), and offer similar programming? Would ESPN strongly consider seeking rights agreements to air existing competitions and/or would EOE develop its own dance competition and/or reality show? If aired in months when neither of the two above series air, it could potentially capture the same audience without direct competition. ESPN would also further expand its viewer base by offering this diverse programming option. Considering the success of pro-athletes Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice on DWTS, it might be just the right time for a dance competition featuring only pro-athletes. [I have read that
the 2nd Annual World Salsa Championships, (Albert Torres And Salsa Seven Inc.), will be broadcast on ESPN International and ESPN Deportes and I very much hope that they will also be broadcast on ESPN 2.]"
Answer:
We often include content from and play off the success of Dancing with the Stars within our existing studio franchises, including regular updates in SportsCenter and other studio shows, particularly involving the participating athletes. We have looked at ballroom dancing programming and will continue to. One challenge is that the dancing audience is generally not our typical audience. To have a shot at success would require devotion of significant resources, and at that point, it becomes a matter of prioritization.
Oh, sweet fuck.
"My company’s campus has three different cafeterias. Like most cafeterias, they have suggestion boxen. Once a month the management of the company which runs the cafeterias sends out an e-mail which features all of the suggestions, along with a note from the cafeteria management saying (in kinder words) "Go fuck yourself. You’ll eat what we put out there and you’ll pay what we charge. Don’t like it? Go waste half an hour of your lunch hour just walking to your car in the parking lot and eat elsewheres."
These "suggestion e-mails" generally please me, as I like it when companies don't care about their customers and have no bones in saying so."
This is still the way I feel about company wide, suggestion style e-mails. The tickle me absolutely silly. And it is with a sadness knowing no end that I have learned that my company will forego "Town Hall" e-mails for the foreseeable future, instead opting to have live "Town Hall" meetings hosted by our CEO live streamed into everyone's office. This upsets me for reasons two-fold: 1) I'll miss the e-mails, and 2) this is more work for me.
But with this sad news, I bring joy. Well, I don't actually bring it; Will from Deadspin does. His sources leaked him a company wide "Town Hall" style e-mail from the giant, easy to pick on, jumped the shark, corporate monstrosity which is ESPN.
And it's funnier than any e-mail I have ever received.
Some highlights:
Question:
What is being done, (if any), to address sleeping issues of on-duty security personnel? Is there a radio/phone-in person check-in at specific intervals during the overnight hours to prevent an officer from falling asleep on duty?
Answer:
Security posts are rotated every one to three hours to keep the security officers alert on the third shift. The contract security supervisors and our security staff patrol at night to make sure individuals are performing their duties. Any employee who sees a security officer sleeping should immediately report it to the ESPN Security Shift Supervisor on duty at x2486 or x2214.
That sounds safe.
Question:
When will the bicycle rack in front of the south door of Building 3 be reinstalled? It was removed last year during construction.
Answer:
The bike rack has been reinstalled.
Pay attention, asshole.
Question:
Is there or could there be an option to receive a pay check once a week instead of every other Thursday? Many of us live pay check to pay check. Being able to be paid every week would help tremendously.
Answer:
All ESPN employees are paid on a bi-weekly basis and have the same pay date. Payroll is a shared service provided by our parent company and ESPN cannot operate under a different system.
Mr. Morgan, you earn a decent living. If you could control you $10,000 a week faberge egg habit, this would be a non-issue
Question:
What qualities do you feel a Leader should possess?
Answer:
For guidance, please review the Leadership Competencies in Performance Connection on the intranet for information on what is expected of a leader. Another good source for guidance is your department's HR generalist.
Believe it or not, that's actually a quote from Dwight Eisenhower. France, 1945.
Question:
Given the success of Dancing with the Stars" on ABC, (and "So You Think You Can Dance" on FOX), does ESPN plan to capitalize on this nationwide dance obsession, (and high TV/internet ratings), and offer similar programming? Would ESPN strongly consider seeking rights agreements to air existing competitions and/or would EOE develop its own dance competition and/or reality show? If aired in months when neither of the two above series air, it could potentially capture the same audience without direct competition. ESPN would also further expand its viewer base by offering this diverse programming option. Considering the success of pro-athletes Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice on DWTS, it might be just the right time for a dance competition featuring only pro-athletes. [I have read that
the 2nd Annual World Salsa Championships, (Albert Torres And Salsa Seven Inc.), will be broadcast on ESPN International and ESPN Deportes and I very much hope that they will also be broadcast on ESPN 2.]"
Answer:
We often include content from and play off the success of Dancing with the Stars within our existing studio franchises, including regular updates in SportsCenter and other studio shows, particularly involving the participating athletes. We have looked at ballroom dancing programming and will continue to. One challenge is that the dancing audience is generally not our typical audience. To have a shot at success would require devotion of significant resources, and at that point, it becomes a matter of prioritization.
Oh, sweet fuck.
Labels: espn, Links, Stuff You Probably Don't Care About
7/10/2007
6/22/2007
Weekend!
I dare you to read this:
Misunderstanding leads to punch in the face
Peoria - A 69-year-old Table Grove man received a punch to the face on Tuesday after his attacker mistakenly believed his wife had been insulted, police said.
The victim, along with his 69-year-old wife, were in the parking lot of the Luthy Botanical Garden removing his motorized scooter from the trunk of their car about 2:30 p.m. when another vehicle began backing up towards the couple, police reports said.
The victim reportedly yelled at the driver to stop, about the same time he accidentally dropped part of his scooter to the ground and uttered, "Son of a (expletive)1," reports said.
A passenger in the moving car, got out demanding to know what the victim had said. The victim said he tried to explain but was punched in the face and fell to the ground, police said.
The victim's wife told the attacker she was calling police only to have the man allegedly threaten to strike her, as well, police reports said. The driver and attacker then drove off.
The victim told officers he did not direct his comment toward the driver and was just upset about dropping his scooter, reports said.
and not think of this:
Man, I miss Seinfeld. Thank god for the interwebs.
1What if the expletive wasn't "bitch" like you think it was? Maybe he yelled "Son of a Godshit!" or "Son of a fuckcracker!" I'd just like you to keep an open mind when reading "(expletive)" in the future.
---------------------------
If you find yourself in Dogtown tomorrow and notice a sweet smell of hickory and whiskey, that is me, smoking about seven pounds of brisket, sipping some bloody's, sours, and vodkades, sitting in one of these, getting ready for the first big Dogtown 'Q of the summer.
If you're in Dogtown tomorrow and smell something disgusting, that's probably my sweaty softball jersey, rotting in the hamper. TLF is seriously slacking on some laundry.
[have a great solstice weekend, kids. In case you were wondering what is the perfect vodka for a bloody, it is this, it seriously fucking rocks.]
Misunderstanding leads to punch in the face
Peoria - A 69-year-old Table Grove man received a punch to the face on Tuesday after his attacker mistakenly believed his wife had been insulted, police said.
The victim, along with his 69-year-old wife, were in the parking lot of the Luthy Botanical Garden removing his motorized scooter from the trunk of their car about 2:30 p.m. when another vehicle began backing up towards the couple, police reports said.
The victim reportedly yelled at the driver to stop, about the same time he accidentally dropped part of his scooter to the ground and uttered, "Son of a (expletive)1," reports said.
A passenger in the moving car, got out demanding to know what the victim had said. The victim said he tried to explain but was punched in the face and fell to the ground, police said.
The victim's wife told the attacker she was calling police only to have the man allegedly threaten to strike her, as well, police reports said. The driver and attacker then drove off.
The victim told officers he did not direct his comment toward the driver and was just upset about dropping his scooter, reports said.
and not think of this:
Man, I miss Seinfeld. Thank god for the interwebs.
1What if the expletive wasn't "bitch" like you think it was? Maybe he yelled "Son of a Godshit!" or "Son of a fuckcracker!" I'd just like you to keep an open mind when reading "(expletive)" in the future.
---------------------------
If you find yourself in Dogtown tomorrow and notice a sweet smell of hickory and whiskey, that is me, smoking about seven pounds of brisket, sipping some bloody's, sours, and vodkades, sitting in one of these, getting ready for the first big Dogtown 'Q of the summer.
If you're in Dogtown tomorrow and smell something disgusting, that's probably my sweaty softball jersey, rotting in the hamper. TLF is seriously slacking on some laundry.
[have a great solstice weekend, kids. In case you were wondering what is the perfect vodka for a bloody, it is this, it seriously fucking rocks.]
Labels: Links, Smokin and Drinkin, Stuff You Probably Don't Care About
6/19/2007
WE Σ Δ Τ ALOT
Giggle.
Vandals paint sorority house near Bradley
Peoria - Vandals damaged and mocked a West Bluff sorority house by adding a couple choice words before and after its Greek acronym.
In the last week, someone used black spray paint to write the words "WE" and "A LOT" between the Sigma Delta Tau sign on the front of the sorority's building, police reports said. Since the organization's Greek letters resemble the word "EAT," the sign appeared to read "WE EAT A LOT." The vandalism was discovered about 3 p.m. Monday by a resident.
Damage estimates for the building were not listed in the police report.
Vandals paint sorority house near Bradley
Peoria - Vandals damaged and mocked a West Bluff sorority house by adding a couple choice words before and after its Greek acronym.
In the last week, someone used black spray paint to write the words "WE" and "A LOT" between the Sigma Delta Tau sign on the front of the sorority's building, police reports said. Since the organization's Greek letters resemble the word "EAT," the sign appeared to read "WE EAT A LOT." The vandalism was discovered about 3 p.m. Monday by a resident.
Damage estimates for the building were not listed in the police report.
Labels: juvenile pranks, Links
6/07/2007
Vote!
Following around the links from the Deadspins yesterday, I stumbled across some sort of a handsome man contest involving bloggers, and noticed one of Joe Sports Fan's own, noted handsome man Matt Sebek, is in the competition. I urge you all to go here and cast a vote for the #18 seed.
Although, I do wonder about the validity of a hottest blogger contest when neither this guy, nor this guy, nor even this guy is participating.
Luckily, though, neither is this guy, this guy, or this guy.
(Sweet fuck, I take some bad pictures.)
(Also, I'm fairly certain it's illegal for me to talk about handsome men without linking to a picture of Handsome Mark Mulder.)
(And I'm pretty sure this post has just wiped away the twenty seven year record of staunch heterosexuality which I once had.)
(Although I think this now makes me eligible for a "Gay/Bi Bloggy Award" at the end of the year, so I got that going for me.)
(Which is nice.)
(More parentheses.)
Although, I do wonder about the validity of a hottest blogger contest when neither this guy, nor this guy, nor even this guy is participating.
Luckily, though, neither is this guy, this guy, or this guy.
(Sweet fuck, I take some bad pictures.)
(Also, I'm fairly certain it's illegal for me to talk about handsome men without linking to a picture of Handsome Mark Mulder.)
(And I'm pretty sure this post has just wiped away the twenty seven year record of staunch heterosexuality which I once had.)
(Although I think this now makes me eligible for a "Gay/Bi Bloggy Award" at the end of the year, so I got that going for me.)
(Which is nice.)
(More parentheses.)
Labels: Links, Sebek is better looking than me
6/05/2007
Wade Boggs Drinking Beer on a Horse
This story, which I have been replaying in my noggin once a week for the last five or so years, never gets old. In fact, I believe that we, as a Nation, need to consciously replace our mental image of this picture with this:
And yes, Wade Boggs drinks Beer brand beer. Apparently he shops at Peoria area Krogers, circa 1984.
And yes, Wade Boggs drinks Beer brand beer. Apparently he shops at Peoria area Krogers, circa 1984.
Labels: Dumb Cartoons, Links, Wade Boggs
6/04/2007
Hey!
Everybody! An old man's talking! Al actually wrote something for the first time in like 5 years!
Now let's all go read it and remember that trees date back to frontier times!
Now let's all go read it and remember that trees date back to frontier times!
Labels: Links, Random Simpson Lines
5/18/2007
Quickish Thoughts
An IT guy got fired from The Lady Friend's company for sleeping on the job (which is odd, since that's actually about all we do here in my IT dept -- different strokes, et al) so I now have a permanent spot on their company softball team. I went two for three last night with three rbi's and played one hot corner. I know none of you care (bunch of jerks, all of you), but I gots nuthing to writes about this morn....
... Oh, I know: The Office! Tremendous ending to the season last night. I actually haven't really cared for the last few weeks episodes; I have no room for plot developments in my sitcoms -- I want them funny and thats it. In fact, my favorite years of tv were in the mid 90's when both Seinfeld and The Simpsons decided to stop using any assemblance of logical, strung together plots (Armen Tanzarian's reign of terror, the Merv Griffin set in Kramer's apartment). However, the plot twist in The Office's final scene last night made up for any foibles I may have had with this season. (Did I just write "foibles?" is that even a word? Well, spell check is getting it, so I guess it is.) However, if it means that BJ Novak will be leaving the show, I heartily disapprove. He has written and produced some of the better episodes of the series, not exactly a lightweight. Lets hope he is still around.
Other than that... not much going on... oh, if I am ever driving to assassinate some commie bastard and then bed some ethnic beauty, I decided I will be listening to this song while on my way:
... and... that's about it, really... oh, I bought a smoker this week (yes, that's it right over there), so if you find yourself in Dogtown tomorrow and wonder what that delectable aroma is, it is I, cooking ribs. You may not have any, but feel free to help yourself to some slaw. It's poisoned.
...That's it. That's a week. Oh... Thanks for all the help with Project: Al's Wedding Music. If ya'll think of any more, drop 'em off, pleasy-o.
...There. That's it. Seriously. That's your week.
Go home now, tell your boss Al said it's okay.
Do it, pussy.
[have a great weekend, kids. remember that time i ate shit? that was awesome. except for the part where i ate the shit.]
... Oh, I know: The Office! Tremendous ending to the season last night. I actually haven't really cared for the last few weeks episodes; I have no room for plot developments in my sitcoms -- I want them funny and thats it. In fact, my favorite years of tv were in the mid 90's when both Seinfeld and The Simpsons decided to stop using any assemblance of logical, strung together plots (Armen Tanzarian's reign of terror, the Merv Griffin set in Kramer's apartment). However, the plot twist in The Office's final scene last night made up for any foibles I may have had with this season. (Did I just write "foibles?" is that even a word? Well, spell check is getting it, so I guess it is.) However, if it means that BJ Novak will be leaving the show, I heartily disapprove. He has written and produced some of the better episodes of the series, not exactly a lightweight. Lets hope he is still around.
Other than that... not much going on... oh, if I am ever driving to assassinate some commie bastard and then bed some ethnic beauty, I decided I will be listening to this song while on my way:
... and... that's about it, really... oh, I bought a smoker this week (yes, that's it right over there), so if you find yourself in Dogtown tomorrow and wonder what that delectable aroma is, it is I, cooking ribs. You may not have any, but feel free to help yourself to some slaw. It's poisoned.
...That's it. That's a week. Oh... Thanks for all the help with Project: Al's Wedding Music. If ya'll think of any more, drop 'em off, pleasy-o.
...There. That's it. Seriously. That's your week.
Go home now, tell your boss Al said it's okay.
Do it, pussy.
[have a great weekend, kids. remember that time i ate shit? that was awesome. except for the part where i ate the shit.]
Labels: Links, Lots of Tags, Phish, Quick Thoughts, Stuff You Probably Don't Care About, That Time I Ate Shit, The Office, youtubage
5/04/2007
End You Fucking Week... End!
To help you waste your Friday: Four things which cause me to laugh, whether from thinking about them, or actually viewing them, at least once a day:
The Dugout
The Onion's "In the Know" series
Gus Chiggins: Old Prospector
And, of course, the "Showdown" scene from Kingpin:
Between the gloomy weather, the coverage of Hancock's death, and the return of my insomnia, this week just needs to fucking end. The only way it gets worse is if I find out my dad has cancer.
Which I just happen to have found out last night. Awesome.
[have a great cinco de mayo/kentucky derby/de la hoya-mayweather fight weekend. as the mexican riding a horse at the boxing match would say "las cervezas son tu mejor amigo. el al va a conseguir drinky."]
The Dugout
The Onion's "In the Know" series
Gus Chiggins: Old Prospector
And, of course, the "Showdown" scene from Kingpin:
Between the gloomy weather, the coverage of Hancock's death, and the return of my insomnia, this week just needs to fucking end. The only way it gets worse is if I find out my dad has cancer.
Which I just happen to have found out last night. Awesome.
[have a great cinco de mayo/kentucky derby/de la hoya-mayweather fight weekend. as the mexican riding a horse at the boxing match would say "las cervezas son tu mejor amigo. el al va a conseguir drinky."]
Labels: Big Ern McCracken, Links, Lots of Tags, Prospector Humor, Stuff You Probably Don't Care About
5/02/2007
RIP
That one guy from "Newhart" and "The Happy Hooker." (Yes, that's a real movie.)
Now everybody stop dying.
Labels: 80s sitcoms, Links
4/24/2007
You Asked For It*, You Got It
4/03/2007
Linky's: This and/or That
In case you want to read my NL Central preview in one continuous, strip: Here ye be. Thanks to Imig for getting it together, but he only did it so he wouldn't have to write a column. Lazy bastard.
Completely agree with this. Set your DVRs and VCRs.
Liam live blogged the most anti-climatic Opening Night ever. That Rolen DP was a kick in the balls, no? Not much else to say about the game though. Carp was very un-Carp, soft tossing lefties continue to dominate the Birds, the new scoreboard in right looks great, as do the flags on top of it.
Just a good case of the bad game. Go get 'em tonight, Kip!
Oh, and Tony La Russa does not care for your second guessing. Asshole.
Phil Garner is my favorite manager ever. Everything he did yesterday was the exact opposite of what he should have done. "Who are you, Phil Garner?" "I'm the opposite of every manager you've ever met."
A good way to waste five minutes. I really do love Improv(e) Everywhere.
And that concludes one really lazy post.
Completely agree with this. Set your DVRs and VCRs.
Liam live blogged the most anti-climatic Opening Night ever. That Rolen DP was a kick in the balls, no? Not much else to say about the game though. Carp was very un-Carp, soft tossing lefties continue to dominate the Birds, the new scoreboard in right looks great, as do the flags on top of it.
Just a good case of the bad game. Go get 'em tonight, Kip!
Oh, and Tony La Russa does not care for your second guessing. Asshole.
Phil Garner is my favorite manager ever. Everything he did yesterday was the exact opposite of what he should have done. "Who are you, Phil Garner?" "I'm the opposite of every manager you've ever met."
A good way to waste five minutes. I really do love Improv(e) Everywhere.
And that concludes one really lazy post.
Labels: Links, Stuff You Probably Don't Care About
2/28/2007
Current Events!!
This story would be a lot funnier if AsianWeek, et al would have just played it off as a joke. As an example, here is how the report really reads:
"Something like this should never have been printed," said Vincent Eng, deputy director of the Asian American Justice Center in Washington, who is not related to the columnist.
If I was the editor, here is how it would read:
"Something like this should never have been printed," said Vincent Eng, deputy director of the Asian American Justice Center in Washington, who is not related to the columnist, but looks just like him (joking!).
Or, this:
Sophie Maxwell, one of the city's top black officials and a member of the city's board of supervisors, said she doesn't believe Eng's column will hurt relations between blacks and Asians in San Francisco.
Would be this:
Sophie Maxwell, one of the city's top black officials and a member of the city's board of supervisors, said she doesn't believe Eng's column will hurt relations between blacks and Asians in San Francisco, because blacks don’t read the paper (joking!)
----------------
This is today’s forecast map on the weather channel. I don’t like it (although, there is a big “L” over Kansas, which I can only assume stands for “loser” as in “Bill Self is one.” I do like that.).
“Energy Sweeps out from the SW,” leading a long, white arrow to the “L”?
There’s a “Rich Flow of Gulf Moisture” (Which sounds disgusting.) pointed right toward me?
Can’t you just tell me what the temputure will be? That’s more important than rich moistness to me.
-----------------
Man punched for refusing to give cigarette
PEORIA - An East Bluff man was punched in the face Sunday afternoon when he refused to give a man a cigarette.
Harold W. Lowery, 52, told police a man approached him about 5:30 p.m. in the 1900 block of Wisconsin Avenue and asked to bum a smoke. When Lowery told him no, the man punched him in the face.
Lowery fell to the ground and briefly lost consciousness, reports said.
He suffered blurry vision after the attack and was treated and released from OSF Saint Francis Medical Center.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Harry Lowery can’t take a punch.
-----------------
I'm so, so glad Hal is the hitting coach again:
"Something like this should never have been printed," said Vincent Eng, deputy director of the Asian American Justice Center in Washington, who is not related to the columnist.
If I was the editor, here is how it would read:
"Something like this should never have been printed," said Vincent Eng, deputy director of the Asian American Justice Center in Washington, who is not related to the columnist, but looks just like him (joking!).
Or, this:
Sophie Maxwell, one of the city's top black officials and a member of the city's board of supervisors, said she doesn't believe Eng's column will hurt relations between blacks and Asians in San Francisco.
Would be this:
Sophie Maxwell, one of the city's top black officials and a member of the city's board of supervisors, said she doesn't believe Eng's column will hurt relations between blacks and Asians in San Francisco, because blacks don’t read the paper (joking!)
----------------
This is today’s forecast map on the weather channel. I don’t like it (although, there is a big “L” over Kansas, which I can only assume stands for “loser” as in “Bill Self is one.” I do like that.).
“Energy Sweeps out from the SW,” leading a long, white arrow to the “L”?
There’s a “Rich Flow of Gulf Moisture” (Which sounds disgusting.) pointed right toward me?
Can’t you just tell me what the temputure will be? That’s more important than rich moistness to me.
-----------------
Man punched for refusing to give cigarette
PEORIA - An East Bluff man was punched in the face Sunday afternoon when he refused to give a man a cigarette.
Harold W. Lowery, 52, told police a man approached him about 5:30 p.m. in the 1900 block of Wisconsin Avenue and asked to bum a smoke. When Lowery told him no, the man punched him in the face.
Lowery fell to the ground and briefly lost consciousness, reports said.
He suffered blurry vision after the attack and was treated and released from OSF Saint Francis Medical Center.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Harry Lowery can’t take a punch.
-----------------
I'm so, so glad Hal is the hitting coach again:
Labels: Hal McRae Goes Batshit, Links, Racist Jokes Which Will No Doubt Come Back to Haunt Me Someday
2/23/2007
The O-B Bird
A newspaper article that made me actually laugh out loud? Yep, this one.
I would pay one million dollars to have a time machine, just so I could have been at that game. Then I would hunt and eat a woolly mammoth.
"(Redfern) calls me back and says, 'I just figured out why they were booing!' " Smith said. "And I said, 'Yeah, because it's a stupid idea.' "
"And (Redfern) says, 'No, because we're playing Ohio State and the colors of the costume were Ohio State's colors, and they thought that it was an Ohio State mascot," Smith said.
"And I said, 'No, they were booing because the idea sucks and it's a stupid idea,' " Smith said.
"And (Redfern) says, 'No, because we're playing Ohio State and the colors of the costume were Ohio State's colors, and they thought that it was an Ohio State mascot," Smith said.
"And I said, 'No, they were booing because the idea sucks and it's a stupid idea,' " Smith said.
I would pay one million dollars to have a time machine, just so I could have been at that game. Then I would hunt and eat a woolly mammoth.
Labels: Eating Prehistoric Creatures, ILL-INI, Links
2/21/2007
Spring Training!!
The weather is warming up (the massive ice block keeping the door to my terrace firmly shut for the last month finally thawed), the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bees are trying to have sex with the birds; it's finally spring.
Opening day can't get here fast enough.
From Yahoo!(!) photos and the Post Dispatch:
The more things change:
Reyes' new, dumb hat (thanks a ton, New Era).
Carp's learning him a changeup.
The more things stay the same:
Rick Ankiel is still somehow on the 40 man roster.
I've said it before, I'll say it again (now just because he keeps complaining about it)"boooooo-urns."
Opening day can't get here fast enough.
From Yahoo!(!) photos and the Post Dispatch:
The more things change:
Reyes' new, dumb hat (thanks a ton, New Era).
Carp's learning him a changeup.The more things stay the same:
Rick Ankiel is still somehow on the 40 man roster.
I've said it before, I'll say it again (now just because he keeps complaining about it)"boooooo-urns."Labels: 2007 Cardinals, Links, Rick Ankiel is Still Alive (And thus Still on the Cardinals), St Louis Baseball Cardinals
