1/17/2008
Three Great Mullets,
One fantastic interview.
One of the greatest moments of my youth.
Inspired by Major's Top 7 this week, click away and enjoy your Friday.
[have a great weekend watching the packers win the nfc, folks. sorry for the blog neglect as of late.]
One of the greatest moments of my youth.
Inspired by Major's Top 7 this week, click away and enjoy your Friday.
[have a great weekend watching the packers win the nfc, folks. sorry for the blog neglect as of late.]
Labels: Awesomness, youtubage
10/18/2007
1985 Dwight's Gift For 2005 Dwight
While priming myself to get ready for tonight's epsiode of The Office, I stumbled across Dwight Shrute's "blog." It is, as you probably expected, the awesome.
"Hello internetizens. I have returned from my web logging hiatus. You may be asking yourself, “what happened to Dwight all summer?” Shut up. It’s none of your business. Just focus on the present. In this case, the present has two meanings. In its first usage, it is temporal. The present is the here and now. It is also being used to mean “a gift.” This web log is a present from me to you, the reader, because you do not pay for it and I am giving it to you. Enjoy your present (both meanings).
This weekend, while my cousin Mose was aerating the soil in the East Field, he came upon a metal box labeled “For Dwight. DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2005.” Luckily, Mose is not nosey and brought it to me unopened right away.
As it turns out, the box was a time capsule that I had left for myself in 1985. It was quite interesting to see what 1985 Dwight had left for 2005 Dwight, even though 2005 Dwight forgot it was there and had to be reminded by 2007 Mose two years later.
These are the contents of 1985 Dwight’s Time Capsule:
1. A dehydrated beet sculpture of myself holding a very small metal box meant to represent a miniature version of the time capsule. I was very much into beet miniatures when I was teenager. I did not, however, know my “BeetDwight” would shrivel into dehydration. That occurred because of science, not intention.
2. A friendship bracelet. They were all the rage amongst agricultural teenagers in 1985. I was susceptible to fads back then. This has since been corrected.
3. Half of a Twix Bar. It must have fallen in.
4. A letter to myself. It said: “Hello Dwight. If you’re reading this, then you are not dead. Good. If you are not Dwight and you are reading this, be aware that this letter is cursed and the ghost of me will haunt you forever. Dokken Rules. Dwight.”
5. A letter to my wife. This is a sensitive subject as I am unmarried and have obviously disappointed my former self.
6. The carcass of a vole. At first I thought it had either fallen in or been trapped while attempting to retrieve the Twix bar. After careful thought, however, I remembered that this was the skeleton of my neighbor’s pet. I despised him and kidnapped one of his voles. Unfortunately, the vole perished before I could return her, so I threw her into the time capsule so there would be no evidence. This serves as my confession. If any authorities are reading this, I willingly accept any punishment bestowed upon me, although I believe the statute of limitations on vole manslaughter has run out.
This “blast from the past” has cast an interesting shadow over my week. It has provided cause for great self-reflection. In truth, however, I am proud of who I have become and regret nothing. Now I must make a time capsule for 2025 Dwight. I hope he is alive when he opens it. And married. And running a large paper company. And a beet magnate or mogul, whichever is most powerful in 2025. Additionally, I hope he has created a way to keep miniature beet sculptures hydrated over long periods of time, thus making himself very rich yet unburdened by the pressures of being overly wealthy.
That is all,
Dwight K. Schrute
2007 Version"
Truth be told, anytime I hear "cousin Mose" I laugh, so I just might be a sucker for this whole thing.
"Hello internetizens. I have returned from my web logging hiatus. You may be asking yourself, “what happened to Dwight all summer?” Shut up. It’s none of your business. Just focus on the present. In this case, the present has two meanings. In its first usage, it is temporal. The present is the here and now. It is also being used to mean “a gift.” This web log is a present from me to you, the reader, because you do not pay for it and I am giving it to you. Enjoy your present (both meanings).
This weekend, while my cousin Mose was aerating the soil in the East Field, he came upon a metal box labeled “For Dwight. DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2005.” Luckily, Mose is not nosey and brought it to me unopened right away.
As it turns out, the box was a time capsule that I had left for myself in 1985. It was quite interesting to see what 1985 Dwight had left for 2005 Dwight, even though 2005 Dwight forgot it was there and had to be reminded by 2007 Mose two years later.
These are the contents of 1985 Dwight’s Time Capsule:
1. A dehydrated beet sculpture of myself holding a very small metal box meant to represent a miniature version of the time capsule. I was very much into beet miniatures when I was teenager. I did not, however, know my “BeetDwight” would shrivel into dehydration. That occurred because of science, not intention.
2. A friendship bracelet. They were all the rage amongst agricultural teenagers in 1985. I was susceptible to fads back then. This has since been corrected.
3. Half of a Twix Bar. It must have fallen in.
4. A letter to myself. It said: “Hello Dwight. If you’re reading this, then you are not dead. Good. If you are not Dwight and you are reading this, be aware that this letter is cursed and the ghost of me will haunt you forever. Dokken Rules. Dwight.”
5. A letter to my wife. This is a sensitive subject as I am unmarried and have obviously disappointed my former self.
6. The carcass of a vole. At first I thought it had either fallen in or been trapped while attempting to retrieve the Twix bar. After careful thought, however, I remembered that this was the skeleton of my neighbor’s pet. I despised him and kidnapped one of his voles. Unfortunately, the vole perished before I could return her, so I threw her into the time capsule so there would be no evidence. This serves as my confession. If any authorities are reading this, I willingly accept any punishment bestowed upon me, although I believe the statute of limitations on vole manslaughter has run out.
This “blast from the past” has cast an interesting shadow over my week. It has provided cause for great self-reflection. In truth, however, I am proud of who I have become and regret nothing. Now I must make a time capsule for 2025 Dwight. I hope he is alive when he opens it. And married. And running a large paper company. And a beet magnate or mogul, whichever is most powerful in 2025. Additionally, I hope he has created a way to keep miniature beet sculptures hydrated over long periods of time, thus making himself very rich yet unburdened by the pressures of being overly wealthy.
That is all,
Dwight K. Schrute
2007 Version"
Truth be told, anytime I hear "cousin Mose" I laugh, so I just might be a sucker for this whole thing.
Labels: Awesomness, Links, The Office
8/30/2007
The Cucumber Saga Continues
We have a follow up!
Putting produce to bad use
By Phil Luciano
Ricky Dean got beat up pretty bad, walloped by bricks and jabbed with car keys.
But what really hurt was the cucumbers.
Dean ended up in the hospital after he was pummeled by two alleged cuke-wielding carjackers.
"It was wild," says Dean, 45, smiling while rubbing various bruises all over his body.
Early Tuesday, Dean, who lives near Northwoods Mall, was with his girlfriend, Sara Peterson, 22, who lives in Far North Peoria. About 2 a.m., they were "just driving" near Harrison Homes, he says.
With Dean in the passenger seat, Peterson was at the wheel of her souped-up '93 Ford Escort. In the 2700 block of North Trewyn Avenue, they heard two women scream, "Help!"
Peterson stopped the car. Dean stepped out, telling her to stay put while he went to talk to the women. They were standing outside a car, which apparently one of them owns, Dean says. He says he does not know the women.
Dean now thinks the pair had been looking for an easy mark.
"They were looking for somebody, I guess," he says.
He started to ask if they needed help. But they yelled at him, "Get away from your car!"
They were packing heavy ammunition: Bricks, apparently swiped from a nearby construction site. Each flung a brick at Dean, with one bashing him in the left shoulder.
Bereft of more bricks, they reached into their car and hoisted out a grocery sack. It was stuffed with cucumbers.
In recollection, Dean's eyes widen and he holds his hands about two feet apart: "The cucumbers were this big."
They rushed Dean and started pounding him with the cukes. He ducked and turned, but the women belted his back with the gargantuan gourds.
Dean, who stands about 5 feet 9 inches and weighs a robust 325 pounds, did not hit back.
"They were ladies," he says.
As the beating continued, he tried to get them off him. "I kept pushing them," he says. "(But) they were pretty big women."
They then noticed Peterson had stepped out of the car. An attacker dashed over, grabbed the keys from the ignition and yipped, "We're taking this car."
But first she sprinted to Dean and poked him hard with keys "all over my body," he says. For reasons he doesn't understand, the two women ordered Peterson into the backseat of the car. Then they sped off.
Dean dug his cell phone out of his pants and called 911. Soon, police found the car, with the women still inside. Absent was Peterson, who'd been forced out not far from Harrison Homes. Police found her walking nearby a while later.
Police arrested two women: Martella M. Brown, 19, 2719 N. Trewyen Ave., and Nicole S. Bailey, 23, 2414 W. Malone St. Both have been charged with aggravated battery. Brown, whose residence is on the same block as the attack, also faces a count of vehicular hijacking.
Banged up, Dean took up the cops' offer of an ambulance ride to Methodist Medical Center. He suffered multiple bruises, but otherwise is all right. He was released later that morning.
Peterson was unavailable for comment. Dean says that her mother, after hearing about the assault, drove to Peoria and brought her daughter to the mom's home in Champaign - where, apparently, law-abiding citizens are free from the risks of vine-ripened weapons.
Dean just shakes his head and grins at the weirdness.
"It was crazy, man," he says.
-----
1. People don't go "just driving" near Harrison Homes, especially at 2 in the morning. Why? Because you get attacked with fucking cucumbers.
2. "The cucumbers were this big." That's what she said.
3. I'm still pretty flustered. This story is just too awesome for it's own good.
Putting produce to bad use
By Phil Luciano
Ricky Dean got beat up pretty bad, walloped by bricks and jabbed with car keys.
But what really hurt was the cucumbers.
Dean ended up in the hospital after he was pummeled by two alleged cuke-wielding carjackers.
"It was wild," says Dean, 45, smiling while rubbing various bruises all over his body.
Early Tuesday, Dean, who lives near Northwoods Mall, was with his girlfriend, Sara Peterson, 22, who lives in Far North Peoria. About 2 a.m., they were "just driving" near Harrison Homes, he says.
With Dean in the passenger seat, Peterson was at the wheel of her souped-up '93 Ford Escort. In the 2700 block of North Trewyn Avenue, they heard two women scream, "Help!"
Peterson stopped the car. Dean stepped out, telling her to stay put while he went to talk to the women. They were standing outside a car, which apparently one of them owns, Dean says. He says he does not know the women.
Dean now thinks the pair had been looking for an easy mark.
"They were looking for somebody, I guess," he says.
He started to ask if they needed help. But they yelled at him, "Get away from your car!"
They were packing heavy ammunition: Bricks, apparently swiped from a nearby construction site. Each flung a brick at Dean, with one bashing him in the left shoulder.
Bereft of more bricks, they reached into their car and hoisted out a grocery sack. It was stuffed with cucumbers.
In recollection, Dean's eyes widen and he holds his hands about two feet apart: "The cucumbers were this big."
They rushed Dean and started pounding him with the cukes. He ducked and turned, but the women belted his back with the gargantuan gourds.
Dean, who stands about 5 feet 9 inches and weighs a robust 325 pounds, did not hit back.
"They were ladies," he says.
As the beating continued, he tried to get them off him. "I kept pushing them," he says. "(But) they were pretty big women."
They then noticed Peterson had stepped out of the car. An attacker dashed over, grabbed the keys from the ignition and yipped, "We're taking this car."
But first she sprinted to Dean and poked him hard with keys "all over my body," he says. For reasons he doesn't understand, the two women ordered Peterson into the backseat of the car. Then they sped off.
Dean dug his cell phone out of his pants and called 911. Soon, police found the car, with the women still inside. Absent was Peterson, who'd been forced out not far from Harrison Homes. Police found her walking nearby a while later.
Police arrested two women: Martella M. Brown, 19, 2719 N. Trewyen Ave., and Nicole S. Bailey, 23, 2414 W. Malone St. Both have been charged with aggravated battery. Brown, whose residence is on the same block as the attack, also faces a count of vehicular hijacking.
Banged up, Dean took up the cops' offer of an ambulance ride to Methodist Medical Center. He suffered multiple bruises, but otherwise is all right. He was released later that morning.
Peterson was unavailable for comment. Dean says that her mother, after hearing about the assault, drove to Peoria and brought her daughter to the mom's home in Champaign - where, apparently, law-abiding citizens are free from the risks of vine-ripened weapons.
Dean just shakes his head and grins at the weirdness.
"It was crazy, man," he says.
-----
1. People don't go "just driving" near Harrison Homes, especially at 2 in the morning. Why? Because you get attacked with fucking cucumbers.
2. "The cucumbers were this big." That's what she said.
3. I'm still pretty flustered. This story is just too awesome for it's own good.
Labels: Awesomness, Cucumber Beatings, Peoria, Stuff That She Said
7/18/2007
You know what...
The Cardinals may suck right now, but they'll never take this away from us:
I still can't believe he humped the fucking World Series trophy.
I still can't believe he humped the fucking World Series trophy.
Labels: Awesomness, Chris Duncan, The 2006 Saint Louis Baseball Cardinals, The Crappy 2007 Baseball Cardinals
