She Blinded Me With Science (and rum)

March 23, 5:43 pm. -In the interest of science and for the betterment of all humanity (and since I am currently positively unemployed) I am embarking on a voyage. For years, I and many peoples like myself, have been indulging in the art of drinking. While I make no excuses (as we reap what we sow) the great pastime of imbibing normally leaves me feeling, once morning comes, as if I have contracted SARS.

But some time ago, something changed. The ever growing market for hangover relief (Alka Seltzer's Morning After, Bloody Marys, etc.) hit the proverbial scientific jackpot and released the self proclaimed miracle drug: Chaser (motto - "Freedom From Hangovers.")

Tonight, I will be getting drunk. While drinking, I will be taking the Chaser pills as prescribed (two tablets with the first drink, two more tablets with every five drinks or every two hours.)

As we all know there are many important facets to the art of drinking. I have the body type of an average man (5'10", 175 lbs) and a good (but not great) tolerance for alcohol. One key factor for me, is that if I do not eat before I start drinking...Bad things happen (I'll simply leave it at that.) So, I made sure I ate properly today:

Breakfast - 2 cups of coffee
Lunch - The Big Salad
Dinner - 1 steak, 1 potato, 3 eggs

The experiment will begin precisely at 7:00 pm, when I will begin drinking Al Fritz's (yes, I named a drink after myself...Captain Morgan and Sprite, neat...And yes, I admit that it is extremely narcissistic of me to name my favorite drink after myself. So, shut up) and popping Chasers until I pass out. I will wake up precisely at 7:00 am (with or without a hangover) and record my findings.

Off to the 7-11 for the essential supplies.

6:05 pm - Back from the 7-11. I was neither stabbed nor propositioned with man sex. So far, everything's coming up roses.In my possession, I have:

1 - 5th of Rum
1 - 2 Liter of Sprite
1 and 1/2 - Packs of Camel Lights
4 - Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuits (I get hungry when I've been drinking)
1 - Loaded up iPod (for a late night, private, super rock out)

Now, it is time to get my nightly "Simpsons" fix and then it's time to start the scientific process.

7:00 pm - Two Chaser tablets washed down with the first drink of my Al Fritz.

Now, it will be imperative that I make every drink the same, so here is the official recipe for an Al Fritz:

1 part Jerk
2 parts Loser
Splash of Desperation

Psyche...Actually, it's (in a cocktail glass):

3 shots Captain Morgan
Fill with Sprite and stir.
They go down like candy.
Let's hope this mission goes well (I feel like a space monkey)

7:03 pm - Should I be wearing a diaper?

7:06 - Right now, "Law & Order" is on three different channels simultaneously. This is going to be a long night.

7:07 - Eureka! Live from Roger Dean Stadium in Jupiter, FL; it's the Cardinals vs Mets! Spring training baseball, everybody!

7:08 - Al Hrabosky just forgot that it takes three (three) outs to end an inning. It's official...Baseball is back!

7:11 - Mark Grudezelanickackenickek with a base hit. No, I'm not drunk yet...I really do think that's how you spell his name.

7:22 - I've reached my first obstacle of the evening...The house is out of toilet paper.

7:28 - Napkins to the rescue!

7:31 - Drink number two.

7:34 - Both roommates have now been informed of tonight's science experiment. Roomate Andy's response: "This is the coolest thing you've done in awhile."

Roomate Matt's: "Good luck with all that."

7:37 - If you thought Jim Edmonds was lazy during the regular season, you should see him in spring training. His laziness is really something to behold.

7:45 - Our friend Erin stops by to trade us four boxes of Girl Scout cookies for a tape of last week's "O.C." episode. I'm glad to see the barter system is making a comeback.

7:53 - Say what you want to about So Taguchi...I can gar-run-tee you that he has never used steroids.

8:09 - Drink number three. Chasers numbers three and four (note- since there are three shots in each of my drinks, I will need to take two pills after every two drinks for them to, hopefully, work effectively.)

8:18 - Man, I can't wait to see how the "Andres Galaragas Era" ends in New York. So that's what the Mets were missing, huh? A 57 year old first-baseman?

8:37 - Lets watch some "Zoolander!"

8:52 - This whole Pat O'Brien rehab-stint/sexscapade is hands-down the funniest thing to come about in months.

9:01 - Drink number four. That's what I'm TALKING ABOUT!

9:22 - Have I ever mentioned before how much I hate Scott Joplin? Rag-time music is the absolute worst. Absolutely worthless. And yes, I'm drunk.

9:35 - Drink number five's first sip washes down chaser pills five and six. Amazingly, I have gone this long without having a cigarette. That's about to change, though.

9:43 - Mmmm...that was a good Camel Light (and, "I can derelicte my own balls.")

9:54 - Wait a second..am I taking Chasers? Or crazy pills?

10:11 - I seem to have developed one whale of a headache. I decide to take two excederin to reduce said headache. Let's hope this variable does not interfere with our findings (you know, for science's sake.)

10:19 - Drink number six. I can no longer see anything even remotely good coming out of this experiment.

10:34 - I'm most definitely intoxicated now...let's see where a rock out takes us. Which leads me to pose the following question: "When will I finally get sick of the Modest Mouse rock out?"

10:45 - I BACKED MY CAR INTO A COP CAR THE OTHER DAY! (answer: not anytime soon.)

10:52 - Drink number seven, chasers number seven and eight. I have officially reached the prescribed amount of Chasers one should consume in a single night. In other news, I just mixed the strongest Al Fritz yet.

11:05 - Just a reminder...Dee-runk guy + ebay account = disaster.

11:15 - My roommate Matt has a theory which I am now ready to endorse. It will someday be made public that Barry Bonds was on steroids. Once that is revealed, Matt endorses having Barry's MVP trophies (from the steroid tinted seasons only) melted down into a hot, liquid, golden soup. Barry's punishment for being such a cheating asshole while he was playing? He must eat his golden MVP soup. After watching Barry's latest little press-conference, I agree. Someday, Barry, if I have anything to do with it, you will eat your trophies.

11:19 - So I says to Mable, I says...drink number eight...and I am now strug-eee-ling.

11:39 - That's it...I'm cocked! Time to brush the fake teeth and pass out. Hopefully, all is well come sun up.

March 24, 7:00 am. - Am I hungover? No. But here's the thing...once I lied down last night, I could not fall asleep. I ended up getting about three hours of sleep total.

So, I do have a headache and I do feel like shit...but, it's from lack of sleep, not from all the drinking. Perhaps if I took some Tylenol PM with the last batch of Chasers things would work out.

Uh, oh...I smell another experiment...you know, for the science's sake.

Total and complete (awesome) insanity. Let us know how the next one turns out...
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