11/06/2010
OH SWEET FUCK
Who the shit is this assbutt?
Is "Here" the backseat of a 1970's VW Beetle? If so, I agree.
I'd just like to note that so far, this is a very harmless little blog post. Not a lot of new information or really any insight, opinion, or correct grammar... but nothing to really make fun of, either. Just some dude that works at a radio station, his boss probably makes him write blog posts so they can be all multi-media, and he wrote a post about a scrappy, white, terrible baseball player that our stupid city loves. Fucking as harmless as Ed Begley Jr eating a ham sandwich on a 60 degree day.
Miles Would Fit Well Back Here
Is "Here" the backseat of a 1970's VW Beetle? If so, I agree.
The Cardinals are in the process or, more likely, have already made their decisions regarding whom they want to retain from their own free agent pool.
Jake Westbrook is a given. They want him back. It's just a matter of if it makes financial sense on both sides. If the Cards and Westbrook's people can come to an agreement...the starting pitcher will be back.
I'd just like to note that so far, this is a very harmless little blog post. Not a lot of new information or really any insight, opinion, or correct grammar... but nothing to really make fun of, either. Just some dude that works at a radio station, his boss probably makes him write blog posts so they can be all multi-media, and he wrote a post about a scrappy, white, terrible baseball player that our stupid city loves. Fucking as harmless as Ed Begley Jr eating a ham sandwich on a 60 degree day.
Besides him, though, it’s a jumble. (1) Randy Winn probably will get offered more playing time elsewhere. (2)Mike MacDougal could work, but maybe not. (3)Jeff Suppan would be a nice fit for depth…but how can you guarantee him anything on the Major League roster?
1. No he will not.
2. Mike MacDougal sucks.
3. No he would not.
Aaron Miles, however, is someone that would be a terrific fit back here in St. Louis. For someone who will, undoubtedly, be your last guy off the bench…you can much worse than Aaron Miles.
“you can much worse than Aaron Miles”? Ignoring the fact that sentence does not make sense… You can not much worse than Aaron Miles.
He can play multiple positions.
Poorly.
He is a switch hitter.
And sucks at both sides.
And most important of all, he does not need to start many games to still give you tough at-bats in late inning pinch hit situations.
Becuase he’s a fucking terrible baseball player and should be thankful to be in the Majors.
Miles is perfectly comfortable sitting on the bench, not getting much time in the field and then all of a sudden having to get up and take a critical at-bat late in a game.
That’s nice?
This past season he did pretty well. Miles was over .300 for the vast majority of the season before settling for a .281 average to go along with .311 on-base percentage.
He was fucking awful.
Do you want Miles to be an everyday starter? No. Do you want Miles to be one of your top utility guys? Probably not. But as your 13th position player who is not in the regular rotation to get some starts? Absolutely.
You forgot to write the word “not” between “Absolutely” and the period. And are we going to have half a dozen “13th men” again next year? At some point in time, you have to stop putting “25th men” on your team. Start now.
In fact, you need a seasoned veteran to be in that role. We’ve seen too many young players come up to the big league level here in St. Louis and not be able to adjust to the job of coming off the bench. When young players come up here, they need to play. A lot.
Allen Craig had a bad month with the most ridiculous BABIP in the history of Pangaea. That’s all you’re referring to, isn’t it?
But not Miles. You can give those valuable starts and valuable at-bats to the younger guys that need them. While you can just let Miles sit there and patiently wait his turn.
Plus he organizes the weekly Jenga tournaments in the clubhouse. TRY DOING THAT, TYLER FUCKING GREENE.
When it’s time to get up and take a critical tough at-bat late in the game…he’ll be ready.
To fail, 69% of the time.
Labels: Assbutts, Only Aaron Miles Recruitment Could Poke This Blog Out of Retirement, St Louis Baseball Cardinals
3/02/2007
Spiezi-Oh Yeah!!
Riding the felt imperial inspired wave of profit that Scott Spiezio's iconic "tickler" provided last October, I have learned from sources confidential to the hometown nine that the Card's brass has asked Mr. Spiezio to change up his look for 2007, hoping to be able to make a few more bucks off of a new fake facial hair product.
The Cards gave the Spiez nine options for his facial grooming. Serendipitously, I was able to intercept the list of styles:
The Cards gave the Spiez nine options for his facial grooming. Serendipitously, I was able to intercept the list of styles:
- The Douchebag (aka Chinstrap)
- The Handlebar
- The Molestache
- A Civil War Beard
- The Jim Neidhart
- A Fu-Man-Chu
- An Ahmish
- The Abe Lincoln
- A Mullet (not really facial hair, but I digress)
So now I leave it up to you, Cards fans. Myself, I'm partial to the handlebar (he looks like a perfect vaudeville era villain, no?) but a few others would work pretty dang well. You decide what look you'd like to see this summer, and I'll be sure to pass the votes on to my man Walt.
Cast your votes and let the world know which ridiculous style of facial hair you want Scott forcing on the National League in 2007!
[have a great arch madness weekend, kids. go rico hill aaron zobrist!]
Labels: 2007 Cardinals, Dumb Cartoons, St Louis Baseball Cardinals
2/23/2007
The St Louis Baseball Cardinals: Breaking Camp
[have a great weekend, everybody. have fun at the fish fries and be sure to respect your vizcaino's (vizcaini?).]
Labels: 2007 Cardinals, Dumb Cartoons, St Louis Baseball Cardinals
2/21/2007
Spring Training!!
The weather is warming up (the massive ice block keeping the door to my terrace firmly shut for the last month finally thawed), the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bees are trying to have sex with the birds; it's finally spring.
Opening day can't get here fast enough.
From Yahoo!(!) photos and the Post Dispatch:
The more things change:
Reyes' new, dumb hat (thanks a ton, New Era).
Carp's learning him a changeup.
The more things stay the same:
Rick Ankiel is still somehow on the 40 man roster.
I've said it before, I'll say it again (now just because he keeps complaining about it)"boooooo-urns."
Opening day can't get here fast enough.
From Yahoo!(!) photos and the Post Dispatch:
The more things change:
Reyes' new, dumb hat (thanks a ton, New Era).
Carp's learning him a changeup.The more things stay the same:
Rick Ankiel is still somehow on the 40 man roster.
I've said it before, I'll say it again (now just because he keeps complaining about it)"boooooo-urns."Labels: 2007 Cardinals, Links, Rick Ankiel is Still Alive (And thus Still on the Cardinals), St Louis Baseball Cardinals
2/16/2007
The St Louis Baseball Cardinals: Breaking Camp
[have a great gras weekend, everybody. remember: if you show your boobs, you should get free beads. or roofied.]
Labels: 2007 Cardinals, Dumb Cartoons, St Louis Baseball Cardinals, Where In The Hell is Ian Ziering Anyway?
1/11/2007
Welcome Back "Handsome" Mark Mulder
If this signing does anything, it guaran-tee(martin)s that I'll get another 18 versions of this e-mail in June of '07:"Well ~ I guarantee Hrabosky and Dan will be discussing in the next few weeks that when we get Mulder healthy and back in the rotation, it will be like making a trade for a starting pitcher. So we have that to look forward too. Hey, when we get Bigbie back playing left, it will be like picking up that impact bat we were looking for. That fucker better have a new number if he gets called back up."
That's from my buddy Dave (who is a huge Larry Walker fan and seriously considered attacking Larry Bigbie with a dulled knife when he saw Bigbie was sporting #33 last year) in June of '06 after Dan and Al spent every damn inning of Cardinals baseball that month talking about The Great Mulder returning to the rotation later in the year. And we all know how that ended up, now don't we? Let's hope this years rehab/return ends up a little bit better than '06's (read: LaRussa doesn't pitch him into the ground when he's clearly not healthy).
Other than that, I agree with Dan on this whole brewhaha.
Labels: Sports Sports Sports Sports Sports Sports Sports, St Louis Baseball Cardinals
1/10/2007
Hopefully the Last Thing I Ever Write About Mark McGwire and the Hall of Fame
"Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?"
"Dingers! Dingers!"
I honestly respect Mark McGwire. I think what others have referred to as his “shameful” display in front of Congress was actually the classiest of any of the ball players who sat upon Capital Hill that day. He didn’t flat out lie like Raffy, he didn’t forget how to speak English like Sammy, and he didn’t wear a see through shirt like Jose. He just didn’t comment.
If it was I up there, I would have gone off. I would have said “Yeah, I did steroids. And so did almost every single player from 1995 to 2002. Clemens, Caminiti, Ripken. Everyone of the guys sitting here. We all juiced. It wasn’t exactly a secret. Did you see me? I was a freaking cartoon character. If you didn’t realize Sosa and I were on steroids in 1998, when the people at SI dressed us up in togas and declared us gods among men, you’re fucking stupid. That’s your fault, not mine. Do I regret doing it? Yeah. It makes me sad. So when I start to cry, I use the millions and millions of dollars steroids helped me make, and I blow my nose with a thousand dollar bill. Fuck you. Like you wouldn’t do the same? Who here wouldn’t have? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? You’re Goddamn right I did it!”
But Big Mac just skirted around the issue and didn’t comment. Not the ballsiest thing he could have done, but at least he didn’t sell anyone out (like I would have). Then he went back home and he hasn’t been heard from since. In today’s society, that’s probably the best thing he could have done. Because of it, he may never make it into the Hall of Fame, but you know what? Any club that uses a massive collection of douche bags to decide who gets in isn’t a club I want to join.
He used drugs. That’s it. Drugs.
I’d be willing to bet that the percentage of Americans who have used drugs is 100%. Sure, maybe it’s only alcohol, but that was once so evil that it was outlawed to produce in the states. Maybe it was tobacco. That’s on its way out, too.
Maybe you’ve dabbled in something a little bit harder. Maybe, say, cocaine. You know who else used coke? The fucking President of the United States of America.
(And in all seriousness, if you've never done any drugs, I feel kind of bad for you. I'm not saying you should be an addict or anything, but every now and then it's time to fly the freak flag and freak out some squares. Like a
jester with an invisible proclamation proclaiming conformity factories closed style freak out.)
The American people can elect (twice) a man who used coke (and also has a DUI) as their President, and a guy with as many DUIs as Leonard Little as Vice President (and then he shot a man in the face!), but the hypocritical douche bag Baseball Writers Association of America (many of whom I am quite sure have more than enough skeletons in their own closets) can’t elect a guy who used steroids to something as trivial as the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Well, then, fuck them.
I actually hope that Mark McGwire never says another word to the public again. He can go off and live his life of solitude; playing golf, banging his hot wife and being left the hell alone (sounds kind of nice, actually). He’ll fade out of public mind and in fifty years, he’ll become nothing more than a myth. An infamous character that everybody saw play, but nobody ever knew. He’ll be our generations Joe Jackson, Moe Berg, and Ed Delahanty all wrapped up into one.
Then, someday, my grandson will be rummaging through my boxes and come across my old SI’s, ticket stubs, and tapes from 1998. He’ll see a picture of me next to McGwire in 2000 and notice that his thighs were the size of my waist. Maybe he’ll even read through uber-hypocrite Mike Lupica’s “Summer of ’98”(which at one point in time was one of my favorite books). He'll see photos of McGwire's devestating, thunderous swing -- the way he used his legs like no player I have ever seen before or since. And he’ll ask me, “Grandpa, how come this man who hit so many home runs and broke so many records and was so beloved never made it into the Hall of Fame.”
“Because, my boy,” I’ll say. “The lazy ass, pompous, hypocritical, dick bag writers who once claimed that he helped save the game of baseball at its darkest hour decided to get up on the ever so high fucking horse, re-write the games past and not let him in. Fuck them and fuck the Hall of Fame.”
“Yeah! Fuck them!”
“Watch your mouth, you little shit,” I’ll say with a slap to the head. “And stay out of my boxes!”
"Dingers! Dingers!"
I honestly respect Mark McGwire. I think what others have referred to as his “shameful” display in front of Congress was actually the classiest of any of the ball players who sat upon Capital Hill that day. He didn’t flat out lie like Raffy, he didn’t forget how to speak English like Sammy, and he didn’t wear a see through shirt like Jose. He just didn’t comment.
If it was I up there, I would have gone off. I would have said “Yeah, I did steroids. And so did almost every single player from 1995 to 2002. Clemens, Caminiti, Ripken. Everyone of the guys sitting here. We all juiced. It wasn’t exactly a secret. Did you see me? I was a freaking cartoon character. If you didn’t realize Sosa and I were on steroids in 1998, when the people at SI dressed us up in togas and declared us gods among men, you’re fucking stupid. That’s your fault, not mine. Do I regret doing it? Yeah. It makes me sad. So when I start to cry, I use the millions and millions of dollars steroids helped me make, and I blow my nose with a thousand dollar bill. Fuck you. Like you wouldn’t do the same? Who here wouldn’t have? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? You’re Goddamn right I did it!”
But Big Mac just skirted around the issue and didn’t comment. Not the ballsiest thing he could have done, but at least he didn’t sell anyone out (like I would have). Then he went back home and he hasn’t been heard from since. In today’s society, that’s probably the best thing he could have done. Because of it, he may never make it into the Hall of Fame, but you know what? Any club that uses a massive collection of douche bags to decide who gets in isn’t a club I want to join.
He used drugs. That’s it. Drugs.
I’d be willing to bet that the percentage of Americans who have used drugs is 100%. Sure, maybe it’s only alcohol, but that was once so evil that it was outlawed to produce in the states. Maybe it was tobacco. That’s on its way out, too.
Maybe you’ve dabbled in something a little bit harder. Maybe, say, cocaine. You know who else used coke? The fucking President of the United States of America.
(And in all seriousness, if you've never done any drugs, I feel kind of bad for you. I'm not saying you should be an addict or anything, but every now and then it's time to fly the freak flag and freak out some squares. Like a
jester with an invisible proclamation proclaiming conformity factories closed style freak out.)
The American people can elect (twice) a man who used coke (and also has a DUI) as their President, and a guy with as many DUIs as Leonard Little as Vice President (and then he shot a man in the face!), but the hypocritical douche bag Baseball Writers Association of America (many of whom I am quite sure have more than enough skeletons in their own closets) can’t elect a guy who used steroids to something as trivial as the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Well, then, fuck them.
I actually hope that Mark McGwire never says another word to the public again. He can go off and live his life of solitude; playing golf, banging his hot wife and being left the hell alone (sounds kind of nice, actually). He’ll fade out of public mind and in fifty years, he’ll become nothing more than a myth. An infamous character that everybody saw play, but nobody ever knew. He’ll be our generations Joe Jackson, Moe Berg, and Ed Delahanty all wrapped up into one.
Then, someday, my grandson will be rummaging through my boxes and come across my old SI’s, ticket stubs, and tapes from 1998. He’ll see a picture of me next to McGwire in 2000 and notice that his thighs were the size of my waist. Maybe he’ll even read through uber-hypocrite Mike Lupica’s “Summer of ’98”(which at one point in time was one of my favorite books). He'll see photos of McGwire's devestating, thunderous swing -- the way he used his legs like no player I have ever seen before or since. And he’ll ask me, “Grandpa, how come this man who hit so many home runs and broke so many records and was so beloved never made it into the Hall of Fame.”
“Because, my boy,” I’ll say. “The lazy ass, pompous, hypocritical, dick bag writers who once claimed that he helped save the game of baseball at its darkest hour decided to get up on the ever so high fucking horse, re-write the games past and not let him in. Fuck them and fuck the Hall of Fame.”
“Yeah! Fuck them!”
“Watch your mouth, you little shit,” I’ll say with a slap to the head. “And stay out of my boxes!”
Labels: Sports Sports Sports Sports Sports Sports Sports, St Louis Baseball Cardinals
