Hopefully the Last Thing I Ever Write About Mark McGwire and the Hall of Fame

"Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?"

"Dingers! Dingers!"

I honestly respect Mark McGwire. I think what others have referred to as his “shameful” display in front of Congress was actually the classiest of any of the ball players who sat upon Capital Hill that day. He didn’t flat out lie like Raffy, he didn’t forget how to speak English like Sammy, and he didn’t wear a see through shirt like Jose. He just didn’t comment.

If it was I up there, I would have gone off. I would have said “Yeah, I did steroids. And so did almost every single player from 1995 to 2002. Clemens, Caminiti, Ripken. Everyone of the guys sitting here. We all juiced. It wasn’t exactly a secret. Did you see me? I was a freaking cartoon character. If you didn’t realize Sosa and I were on steroids in 1998, when the people at SI dressed us up in togas and declared us gods among men, you’re fucking stupid. That’s your fault, not mine. Do I regret doing it? Yeah. It makes me sad. So when I start to cry, I use the millions and millions of dollars steroids helped me make, and I blow my nose with a thousand dollar bill. Fuck you. Like you wouldn’t do the same? Who here wouldn’t have? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? You’re Goddamn right I did it!”

But Big Mac just skirted around the issue and didn’t comment. Not the ballsiest thing he could have done, but at least he didn’t sell anyone out (like I would have). Then he went back home and he hasn’t been heard from since. In today’s society, that’s probably the best thing he could have done. Because of it, he may never make it into the Hall of Fame, but you know what? Any club that uses a massive collection of douche bags to decide who gets in isn’t a club I want to join.

He used drugs. That’s it. Drugs.

I’d be willing to bet that the percentage of Americans who have used drugs is 100%. Sure, maybe it’s only alcohol, but that was once so evil that it was outlawed to produce in the states. Maybe it was tobacco. That’s on its way out, too.

Maybe you’ve dabbled in something a little bit harder. Maybe, say, cocaine. You know who else used coke? The fucking President of the United States of America.

(And in all seriousness, if you've never done any drugs, I feel kind of bad for you. I'm not saying you should be an addict or anything, but every now and then it's time to fly the freak flag and freak out some squares. Like a
jester with an invisible proclamation proclaiming conformity factories closed style freak out.)

The American people can elect (twice) a man who used coke (and also has a DUI) as their President, and a guy with as many DUIs as Leonard Little as Vice President (and then he shot a man in the face!), but the hypocritical douche bag Baseball Writers Association of America (many of whom I am quite sure have more than enough skeletons in their own closets) can’t elect a guy who used steroids to something as trivial as the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Well, then, fuck them.

I actually hope that Mark McGwire never says another word to the public again. He can go off and live his life of solitude; playing golf, banging his hot wife and being left the hell alone (sounds kind of nice, actually). He’ll fade out of public mind and in fifty years, he’ll become nothing more than a myth. An infamous character that everybody saw play, but nobody ever knew. He’ll be our generations Joe Jackson, Moe Berg, and Ed Delahanty all wrapped up into one.

Then, someday, my grandson will be rummaging through my boxes and come across my old SI’s, ticket stubs, and tapes from 1998. He’ll see a picture of me next to McGwire in 2000 and notice that his thighs were the size of my waist. Maybe he’ll even read through uber-hypocrite Mike Lupica’s “Summer of ’98”(which at one point in time was one of my favorite books). He'll see photos of McGwire's devestating, thunderous swing -- the way he used his legs like no player I have ever seen before or since. And he’ll ask me, “Grandpa, how come this man who hit so many home runs and broke so many records and was so beloved never made it into the Hall of Fame.”

“Because, my boy,” I’ll say. “The lazy ass, pompous, hypocritical, dick bag writers who once claimed that he helped save the game of baseball at its darkest hour decided to get up on the ever so high fucking horse, re-write the games past and not let him in. Fuck them and fuck the Hall of Fame.”

“Yeah! Fuck them!”

“Watch your mouth, you little shit,” I’ll say with a slap to the head. “And stay out of my boxes!”

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In one post you have managed to advocate cheating, drug use, and child abuse. Impressive.
I would like to see Big Mac do an interview with XM's baseball channel and patent the whole conversation. Then when ESPN, FOX, SI and others triy to use the info on the interview, he sues the poop out of each one. He can donate all of with legal income to whatever children's organizations he prefers.

As sick as it is, I'm almost 30 and I still idolize Big Mac. He is the most intimidating hitter that I have ever seen and I never thought anyone could ever outdo Jack Clark.
excellent. just excellent.
"In one post you have managed to advocate cheating, drug use, and child abuse. Impressive."

I love all those things...Al, you're awesome.
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