I Love Corporate E-Mails

Many moons ago, back when I gave an assbag about this blog thing, I wrote:

"My company’s campus has three different cafeterias. Like most cafeterias, they have suggestion boxen. Once a month the management of the company which runs the cafeterias sends out an e-mail which features all of the suggestions, along with a note from the cafeteria management saying (in kinder words) "Go fuck yourself. You’ll eat what we put out there and you’ll pay what we charge. Don’t like it? Go waste half an hour of your lunch hour just walking to your car in the parking lot and eat elsewheres."

These "suggestion e-mails" generally please me, as I like it when companies don't care about their customers and have no bones in saying so."

This is still the way I feel about company wide, suggestion style e-mails. The tickle me absolutely silly. And it is with a sadness knowing no end that I have learned that my company will forego "Town Hall" e-mails for the foreseeable future, instead opting to have live "Town Hall" meetings hosted by our CEO live streamed into everyone's office. This upsets me for reasons two-fold: 1) I'll miss the e-mails, and 2) this is more work for me.

But with this sad news, I bring joy. Well, I don't actually bring it; Will from Deadspin does. His sources leaked him a company wide "Town Hall" style e-mail from the giant, easy to pick on, jumped the shark, corporate monstrosity which is ESPN.

And it's funnier than any e-mail I have ever received.

Some highlights:


What is being done, (if any), to address sleeping issues of on-duty security personnel? Is there a radio/phone-in person check-in at specific intervals during the overnight hours to prevent an officer from falling asleep on duty?


Security posts are rotated every one to three hours to keep the security officers alert on the third shift. The contract security supervisors and our security staff patrol at night to make sure individuals are performing their duties. Any employee who sees a security officer sleeping should immediately report it to the ESPN Security Shift Supervisor on duty at x2486 or x2214.

That sounds safe.


When will the bicycle rack in front of the south door of Building 3 be reinstalled? It was removed last year during construction.


The bike rack has been reinstalled.

Pay attention, asshole.


Is there or could there be an option to receive a pay check once a week instead of every other Thursday? Many of us live pay check to pay check. Being able to be paid every week would help tremendously.


All ESPN employees are paid on a bi-weekly basis and have the same pay date. Payroll is a shared service provided by our parent company and ESPN cannot operate under a different system.

Mr. Morgan, you earn a decent living. If you could control you $10,000 a week faberge egg habit, this would be a non-issue


What qualities do you feel a Leader should possess?


For guidance, please review the Leadership Competencies in Performance Connection on the intranet for information on what is expected of a leader. Another good source for guidance is your department's HR generalist.

Believe it or not, that's actually a quote from Dwight Eisenhower. France, 1945.


Given the success of Dancing with the Stars" on ABC, (and "So You Think You Can Dance" on FOX), does ESPN plan to capitalize on this nationwide dance obsession, (and high TV/internet ratings), and offer similar programming? Would ESPN strongly consider seeking rights agreements to air existing competitions and/or would EOE develop its own dance competition and/or reality show? If aired in months when neither of the two above series air, it could potentially capture the same audience without direct competition. ESPN would also further expand its viewer base by offering this diverse programming option. Considering the success of pro-athletes Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice on DWTS, it might be just the right time for a dance competition featuring only pro-athletes. [I have read that
the 2nd Annual World Salsa Championships, (Albert Torres And Salsa Seven Inc.), will be broadcast on ESPN International and ESPN Deportes and I very much hope that they will also be broadcast on ESPN 2.]"


We often include content from and play off the success of Dancing with the Stars within our existing studio franchises, including regular updates in SportsCenter and other studio shows, particularly involving the participating athletes. We have looked at ballroom dancing programming and will continue to. One challenge is that the dancing audience is generally not our typical audience. To have a shot at success would require devotion of significant resources, and at that point, it becomes a matter of prioritization.

Oh, sweet fuck.

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you get raked over the coals for not posting -- and then no one makes a peep when you do.

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