Where I Stand

Since I don't honestly agree with either candidate for president on all of the issues (although, were I to hire only one of them to run my life for the next four years, Obama would win 99% of the time, hence the adamant endorsement), this is the platform I would run on if I wasn't a 28 years old, alcoholic, budhatholic, non college graduate, moral derelict, long haired asshole who might just fucking curse too god damn fucking much. Yes, this is my plan for running for Presidency:

Al Fritz: A New Beginning

(Welcome to Thunderdome, bitches! Prepare for rape!)

I have only one word to describe how America was founded. What this country fought for to gain it's independence and beat back the oppressive, rapists arms of the tyranny. And the creepy, pretty rapist arms of the Brits. One, as the pig latins would say, owrday: Tariffs.

We are going to impose a whole lot of them on anything coming in, and anything going out. 30% for the next three years. Don't like it? Buy American, sell American. Are we going to be isolationists now? Kind of, at least for the next three years, until we fix this country, not another one.

A flat tax for all incomes. 35% the first year, 40% the next three years. Don't like it? Leave. Less people to take care of makes it an easier job to do. Enjoy the capitalist country of your choosing (a list which is slimming down here). We look forward to you coming back in four years when the country is back to where it should be.

Get the government into business. The business of providing jobs: Jobs building roads, running power plants, maintaining and strengthening the power and telecommunications infrastructure, and making cars. Yes, cars. More on that later.

Our roads freaking suck. The one thing that I took away from driving around Kuwait is that good roads feel like you are driving on pillows. Our roads feel like you are driving on terrible fucking roads.

Get the nation off of oil (and not just foreign oil, all oil. Sure, you can still buy gas if you want to drive your truck muddin' for fun, but it will be oil that has been taxed the fuck out of -- and it's oil which we have still taxed the shit out of, because getting the fuck out of it stilllll wasn't enough -- and it will cost around $20 a gallon. Buy it if you want to, but you will do so with the realization that your "hobby" of muddin' is fucking moronic) by the end of my first term and, consequently, get the military out of the Middle East.

Speaking of: A bigger, more effective military. We train for cold weather in Canada and hot weather in Mexico. Three new MEUs and three new carriers will float the world, at all times, ready to strike. A bigger, better Army and a bigger, better Air Force. A stealth in the air at all times.

Although, since we have left Mecca, the terrorists probably wont have beef with us any longer and the world will be a bit safer.

Marijuana, you're now legal. And taxed. 30%.

Gays, go get married in any courthouse you like. File joint taxes, adopt kids, do everything that straight couples can do. You're now legally married. Try not to get divorced as much as us, though. I'll leave it up to your churches to decide whether or not God approves of your union.

Roe v Wade, my position is clear. As the great twentieth century politicizer Kang once said "Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others."

I actually really like Obama's health care plan and fake Military style-ish draft for free college in exchange for community service (I think he might have stolen that one from me, actually). Those stay.

Teachers, your salary now starts off at 60K a year, topping off at 90K; a raise of one grand every year you stay in the profession, not to exceed thirty years. If your class fails to meet testing standards -- which will be high and independent in every school district, free of nationwide standardized testing -- you lose 10K. The first time it happens. 20K the second in five years. Fail three times in eight years, you're fired.

Strengthen our infrastructure: highways, electric, etc. We've got a big crush of electricity about to hit our grid, and cars to hit the high and/or bigh ways.

An expanded railway system to help get some semis off the highways. And expanded commuter systems to get cars off of the streets.

A nuclear plant per state. Windmills, windmills, windmills. Your roof is now covered in solar panels and powers your house. We, the gov, paid for it. You're welcome and the warranty runs out on it when I leave office in a few years.

Free e-cars for everyone at the end of year three of my presidency (Don't think we can do it? We put a fucking man on the moon forty god damn years ago. We have built an e-car. And it's driving around motherfucking MARS!) Your e-car warranty covers it through my presidency at your local Ford-GM-Chrysler dealership.

Speaking of putting a man on the moon and a car on Mars, NASA, you're out of business for a few years. If we can scrap the space program for three years while we rebuild our nations bridges and get the United States military out of the global cross hairs, so be it. Sorry, Neptune.

Maybe you're worried that you'll lose your home or small business because of these tax hikes. You won't. Because my predecessor went all socialist his last few months in office and we own these motherfucking banks. We ain't foreclosing, brother. Can't make your payments? Go down to the local Secretary of the Interior office and sit down with a rep. Show him how much you make monthly and we will hash out a payment plan that you can afford. It's better off than the bank foreclosing your property for thirty cents on the dollar. Lets really bailout you, Joe Sixpack/Plumber.

And all of you good hardworking people that have been paying your 200K mortgage off at 6.8%, lets bail you out too. Come on down and we will refinance you at 5.5. Why? Because we can. We own the fucking banks. We just bailed out billions and billions of dollars to companies which ran themselves into the ground and were rewarded for their incompetence. We can afford to shave 15 grand off of your house. Besides, it's not worth what you bought it for anyway, six months ago.

What happens after three years of my Presidency? Either the nation is on the upswing and they vote me back in or it is not and they do not. But, I'd be willing to bet it will be looking good.

Good enough that in years five through eight of my presidency, we still have a flat tax. Of motherfucking 18%.

Because we no longer need to pay for protecting oil halfway around the world. We have new, safer roads. New cars (which Detroit won't mind upgrading for you, of course). Better transportation. New jobs fixing solar panels and windmills and down at the local plant and blah blah blah. A better, non being shot at military. Better schools. The same health care (is it really that bad now? I've had gov health care. It sucks and you don't want it.) More affordable homes. And less dumb ass missions to Mars.

And who is the VP? Television's Richard Moll, of course! Every time I do something ridiculous, "Bull" slaps his head, hilarity ensues, and I get off scott free. This VP selection is so easy, I kind of expect Sarah Palin to come up with a catch phrase like "Nah-Uh, Sista, he dih-int!" to use whenever Biden makes a guffaw or McCain throws a zinger just for comedic effect.

Yes, your taxes will be high for the next four years, but we will restore this great nation of ours and make it awesome.

Or, just go the opposite route. Either way, really.

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I like your idea of tarriffs, however I would modify that to charge 40-50% on only imports. Do not charge it on exports. If other countries have a beef with us, so be it. We are the largest consumer nation on the planet and we should start thowing our weight around. This will entice the companies to move back into the US and they will be able to justify paying their workers more than 12 cents per day. Maybe after two years, you will be able to reduce income taxes since you will have a new income from the imports.

I would also like to recommend that Richard Simmons be named to your cabinet as Surgeon General. Could you imagine a cabinet meeting with both Moll and Simmons present?
So you're a Whig , then... Kind of a far-out Whig. Man.
This is just my "press the reset button" plan. My real life plan is much more boring.

Still love the flat tax, though. And Bull.
Ever see the episode of Night Court when they went to Bull Shannon's apartment?

All his furniture is made of concrete.

It seemed a hilarious idea at the time.
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