9/20/2004

 

Military Records Released

An intern on my sub-committee informed me that Derek Scarbrough has formed a 527 group named Signals Intelligence Veterans for Truth to discredit my military service. Why? Why not. So I'll just go ahead and beat him to the punch.

Synopsis of Corporal Alexander M Fritz, USMC Service Records:

Jul 1999 - Dec 1999
Attends basic training in San Diego, CA. Meritoriously promoted to Private First Class after being voted "Most Likely To Rub People The Wrong Way While In The Military" by his drill instructors

Jan 2000 - May 2000
Attends training in Pensacola, FL. A lifetime fascination with casual sex is born.

Jun 2000 - Dec 2001
Stationed in Camp LeJeune, NC. Sets Alltime record for most time spent TAD. Studies conducted at Camp LeJeune find productivity to be at it's highest when Fritz is not present.

Jan 2002 - Apr 2002
Assigned to JTF 160, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Proceded to be intoxicated 166 hours out of every week. During the remaining two hours of every week, he worked so diligintly that he was awarded the Joint Service Achievement Medal.

May 2002 - Jul 2002
Returns to NC. Becomes very jaded and cynical. Moves to the beach.

Aug 2002
Stabs a high ranking superior. Because of his actions, he is forced to dye his hair black.

Sep 2002 - Dec 2002
Drinks an amazing amount of box wine

Jan 2003 - May 2003
Sits in the desert and hides from missiles like a little pussy

Jun 2003
Stays in a hotel in Cartagena, Spain for five days, drinking enough to kill a small Asian family. Leaves the hotel at night to instigate fights with Morocans.

Jul 2003 - Mar 2004
Sets a world record by spending 7 1/2 out of 9 months on leave. Productivity at Camp LeJeune reaches an alltime high.

Apr 2004 - Jun 2004
Is deputized as a military policeman. Makes an old lady cry.

July 2004
Honorably Discharged(!)


So there you have it. Nothing to hide in my military records. Just a lot of box wine, mix cd's, and bad haircuts.






Comments:
Sign Form 80 and release all the millitary records.
 
You're a true American hero.
 
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