11/18/2004
On a Thursday Morning, I Finally Realize That I am Detrimental To The Health Of African-Americans Everywhere
To begin today's column, I must say that:
I am not racist.
(That's never a good sentence to lead a column with.)
I am not racist, but I love stereotypes. Sorry, but I do. I just can't help myself. When I see a Chinese guy eating spaghetti, I think it's the funniest thing in the world. Sorry, maybe that's just me.
And it is with that knowledge that I tell you: I am hurting the American black community. I don't mean to. But I am.
Examples:
1) I name my website after a now famous Rick James quote. Two weeks later, Rick James is found dead of (ahem) natural causes.
2) I mention in a post how Brian Randle (a college basketball player from the University of Illinois) must work on using his left hand to his advantage. Four days later, during practice, Brian Randle punches a padded wall and breaks his left hand. Normally, I wouldn't think other forces of nature were at play, but the fucking wall was padded! Does he really punch that hard? Or am I, in fact, cursed?
3) On a whim while grocery shopping, I impulsively buy a bag of "Rap Snacks" potato chips. They were Sour Cream 'n Onion flavor, endorsed by Dirt McGirt (aka. Russell Jones, aka. Big Baby Jesus, aka. Old Dirty Bastard.) Two days later O.D.B. dies of (ahem, again) natural causes. Did I, unintentionally (I swear) kill the O.D.B.? Maybe.
The lesson I have learned over the past few months:
I should not think about, write about, or economically support any black American. For if I do, the consequence may be fatal.
I apologize if I have affected (unintentionally) the lives of any of my black readers. Just be careful and try not to think about me. I'll keep you (Andrew Williams, perhaps my only black reader) out of my own thoughts, simply for your precaution.
Good luck this weekend.
I am not racist.
(That's never a good sentence to lead a column with.)
I am not racist, but I love stereotypes. Sorry, but I do. I just can't help myself. When I see a Chinese guy eating spaghetti, I think it's the funniest thing in the world. Sorry, maybe that's just me.
And it is with that knowledge that I tell you: I am hurting the American black community. I don't mean to. But I am.
Examples:
1) I name my website after a now famous Rick James quote. Two weeks later, Rick James is found dead of (ahem) natural causes.
2) I mention in a post how Brian Randle (a college basketball player from the University of Illinois) must work on using his left hand to his advantage. Four days later, during practice, Brian Randle punches a padded wall and breaks his left hand. Normally, I wouldn't think other forces of nature were at play, but the fucking wall was padded! Does he really punch that hard? Or am I, in fact, cursed?
3) On a whim while grocery shopping, I impulsively buy a bag of "Rap Snacks" potato chips. They were Sour Cream 'n Onion flavor, endorsed by Dirt McGirt (aka. Russell Jones, aka. Big Baby Jesus, aka. Old Dirty Bastard.) Two days later O.D.B. dies of (ahem, again) natural causes. Did I, unintentionally (I swear) kill the O.D.B.? Maybe.
The lesson I have learned over the past few months:
I should not think about, write about, or economically support any black American. For if I do, the consequence may be fatal.
I apologize if I have affected (unintentionally) the lives of any of my black readers. Just be careful and try not to think about me. I'll keep you (Andrew Williams, perhaps my only black reader) out of my own thoughts, simply for your precaution.
Good luck this weekend.
