The Only Time Grown Men Should Wear Orange

"Alright Marty, Biff's 'Sports Almanac' says that the University of Illinois will win college basketball's national championship in 2005," says Dr. Emmit Brown. "Now, I don't want you to disrupt the space-time-continuum, but give me some reasons as to why they'll do it."

"Ah, jeez, Doc. I don't really have time for this," Marty replies. "Jennifer's coming over and we're taking the truck out and heading up to the lake and..."

"Oh Jesus, Marty you're so fucking pussy whipped, " says Doc. "Have you noticed how much better my life has been since I dumped Claire, started drinking, and only use my 'time-train' to get civil war era hookers? Now give me some reasons why the Illini are going to kick ass in '04-05!"

"Alright, Doc, but George is gonna be pissed if I miss curfew again..."

The FYC Presents:
Biff Tannen's Futuristic Sports Almanac's Top Five Reasons That The University of Illinois Men's Basketball Team Will Win The 2005 National Championship

1)"I notice you're name tag reads 'Deron Williams.' Could you tell me a little bit about yourself?"

"Well, last year as a sophomore I averaged 14 points, 3.2 rebounds, and 6.2 assists a game, while shooting nearly 40% from three point range. I was our teams top defender last year and I also led the Big Ten in assists. When our team started slowly last year, I had to go ahead and carry them on my shoulders, even after I broke my jaw against those bastards from Maryland-Eastern Shore U. I love playing for Bruce and being an Illini, but I'll probably be a lottery pick next year so this will probably be my last year playing college ball. So, I might as well win a national championship to cap it all off."

2)James Augustine Learns He's Part Black

Since nobody can tell if Augie's black/white/mix/Eskimo (?) I'll just end it all right here and say that he's 3/4 black. So quit having an identity crisis, grow your afro, and get some fucking rebounds.
Seriously, Augustine's play is going to be crucial for the Illini. If he remembers that he's a 6' 10" former quarterback and son of a football coach, his play should reflect. If he thinks to himself "Well, without me Nick Smith would have to start...and that just isn't going to happen...so I can play like crap and nobody will notice," then we're in trouble.

3) Richard McBride Remembers That He's The Best Pure Shooter This Side Of Sean Harrington

This kid is sick. He's one those Illinois High School Basketball Legends, with one exception: He made it to a D-1 program without having to go through a car accident/pregnancy/drug addiction/murder trial.

Maybe he was just nervous through most of last year...whatever it was it needs to be thrown out the window. He HAS to knock down the open three, like he did against Memphis when he buried six of them. He has to be a solid option off the bench if Illinois is going to go all the way.

4) Brian Randle Discovers He's Left Handed

Maybe he's only making this list because he's only the second player from my old high school to make a D-1 team (shout out to the first one to do it...Mitch Gilfilian at Lehigh U.) But he is the Illini's most balanced and most athletic option off the bench. He's an unbelievably athletic player with decent rebounding skills and he can play a solid D. Hopefully his mid-range game has improved...oh, and Brian...You're left-handed! Use it to your advantage!

5)Bruce Weber forgoes all pretentiousness and starts coaching in flannel shirts

Forgive me for being a hypocrite.

I'm sorry Southern Illinois University. I'm sorry that we stole your coach. I know it sucks. I complain when teams steal my coach, too. I'm sorry. With that said: Thank you, SIU.

Thank you for a coach who doesn't like press-conferences. Thank you for a coach who teaches a simple yet effective offense (Motion, a classic) and lets the players decide how a game ends up. Thank you for a coach who doesn't care about how his hair is cut, how his suit looks, or how polished his voice is. Thank you for giving the Illini an actual basketball coach.
"Thanks, Marty," says Doc Brown. "Now get your ass in the 'time-train' and lets get us some caveman hookers!"

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

"I'll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize the state of Missouri."