Big Trouble In Little East Dubuque

Yes, Mardi Gras was a blast, but I was reminded by my buddy Damon (when he gave me the bail money which he has owed me for three and a half years) about a little trip we took up to Loras College in the Summer of 2001. And thinking back about that weekend, I do not have a story from Mardi Gras (involving myself) which tops that weird weekend on the Illinois/Iowa border.

So I'll spin you that little yarn:

Dateline...late August, 2001:

Although what you are about to read may sound fabricated and unrealalistic at first, I assure you it is 100 percent true.

And will make on hell of a movie.

Saturday, August 25, 2001:
While driving Nate back to his new house in Dubuque, headed North-by-Northwest from Peoria, IL to the Iowa state line in a packed to the gills Dodge family minivan, we (Nate, Joe, D-Rit, and Myself) flipped though the radio and learned from one Casey Kasem that the immortal Eddie Money was once Sgt. Money of the NYPD. Yup.

Things only get stranger from there.

At a truck stop, I gave Nate a "Yellow Jacket" energy pill. After a few minutes, he told me that he "felt like a hummingbird." Wuss.

Once we got to Nate's house, we hopped out of the van and into the street to toss the 'ol pigskin around and yell at passer-by's that we were "giving it the old college try!" After about five minutes of playing catch, we were all out of breath. We helped get all of Nate's shit into his house and showered up. D-Rit, while he was in the shower, heard the Blu Cantrell song "Oops..hit 'em up style" which contains the line "Hey Ladies..." It would become a rather odd theme song for the evening.

After everyone got cleaned up we decided to go to Bodeans (no relation to the bad band) for the "Double Bouble" (two drinks for the prioce of one)...since both Nate and his brother Joe's IDs had the same info on them (Joe was underage at the time and using a duplicate of Nate's ID), Joe and I held back on the "Double Bubble" at Bodeans so things didnt look too suspicious at the door.

So Joe and I went down to a little shit-box of a bar called "Jyms" (no, that's not a misspelling) and ordered a pepporoni Tombstone pizza and a pitcher of Busch Heavy. We ended up getting the pitcher of Busch, but a supreme pizza in return, or "a pepporini with everything on it" as Joe said.

At this bar (again, called Jym's), there were dudes watching a NASCAR race, and they were very focused, too; and next to Joe sat a man with a full sized metal-neck halo, which was tucked in to his flannel shirt. Normally, I would say to each their own and revel in such an enviroment, however I was looking to have a make with a hot lil' coed that night, not watch NASCAR and drink canned domestics.

We ate our pizza in silence and left for Bodeans. We got to the bar and things were fabulous for an hour or so. Post that first hour, though, the "Double Bubble" ended and D-Rit was broke as it gets. He ended up doing random chores for the drunk-Australian bartender in exchange for the promise of free drinks.

And, in payment, he was given eight shots at once.

A little later, when some fat kid ordered four drinks and pulled out only 3 bucks, the bartender didn't care once Rit vouched for him. Also, Rit was caught staring at some girl named Tera's chest and he didnt seem to care. He just kept saying to her "Hey! I've never met a Tera before...your my first!" (Ala Caddyshack) and got away with all of this playahatin'.

Needless to say, D-Rit was running shit at Bodeans by 9 in the evening.

We were all pretty much hammered once 9:30 pm rolled around, so it was decided we'd switch bars and go to a sweet little spot known as The Whiskey.

First, however, we stopped off at Nate's to pop some Yellow Jackets and to sit out on his front porch while the entire group ate only one piece of Chicken, which for some reason was being passed around like a joint.

With the chicken gone, we headed down to The Whiskey. That's where things start getting hazy: Joe gets gruff from the bartender for supposedly paying for his drinks with her tip money. D-Rit screams Caddyshack and Swingers lines while shoving a camera in peoples faces. And I think I might have fell down while playing Golden Tee, explaining a large bruise I now have on my ass.

Since we were all by this point, medically speaking, absolutely fucking hammered, we set off for:

The Coliseum, East Dubuque, IL.
(Sunday, August 26, 2001)

Lets see....

As Nate and I walk into the door of this weird club known as The Coliseum, a mini-riot breaks out on the sidewalk near us and people in a school bus (which for some reason is parked outside of a club at midnight) moon us.

Okay... We're off to a weird start already! We walk in through the door of the Coliseum and see D-Rit being led out the door in handcuffs, ala Pete Rose being caught in 1989 for tax evasion.

I figured I should take care of it, since I'm an idiot, and went outside to talk to the arresting officer.

He tells me that it'll be a hundred dollars and I can get him, conveniently enough, at the police station right across the street from the club. "Wow" I think to myself "how very convenient! Things are coming up Milhouse!"

And with that though, I jetted off to the nearest ATM which, for safety reasons, is hidden in a dark alley, right next to some train tracks.

And right on schedule, a kid (literally 12 years old... tops) with a swiss army knife tries to mug me at the ATM.

The conversation went like this:

"Give me your fucking money man!"

I turn aroundand said "What?".

He replied, "Give me the money!"

Me: "No." I then punched him in the face and give him, in a style favored by my buddy Vince, a knee to the forehead.

He then ran away, and I was off to the po-leece station to get D-Rit out of the pokey. At the police station there were about five cops, all sitting around a table playing cards (Uno? Spades? I couldn't tell.)

They seemed rather upset that I had interupted their card game, but they released D-Rit into my custody for a cool hundred regardless.

Now, D-Rit and I would begin to play the waiting game for Joe and Nate who were still in the Coliseum out by Nate's car.

Unfortunatly the waiting game was also being played by some asshole in the parking lot who claimed to be a Liutenent in the Navy Seals. However, he knew nothing about the military and covered it all up with a horrible web of lies and by tearing out the back seat of his sisters car and punching out her taillight with his bare hands.


But, as a highlight of the waiting game, I did get to talk to a black guy from Peoria who claimed that he was from "the good part of the South Side...you know...by Manual." (note- there is no nice part of the South Side of Peoria, and even if there were, it would not be by Manual.) And that "it was bullshit that they were tearing down the Riverstation (a restraunt) in order to make room for restraunts."


We also met an older 'gent from 'Nawlins who said he could get us some "pussy!"

We backed out of the deal, seeing as how D-Rit had already been in jail that evening and all.

Finally, at about 3 AM, Nate and Joe came out of the Coliseum, drunk as all get out.

Nate took us to get late night greasy food at a place called Beanies in Dubuque. The food was so good there that it later caused Joe to both shit and puke at the same time.

The evening finally wound down and was was capped off by us jerk-asses drinking bud lights and box wine, doing Vincent Price imitations till 5 AM.

"Give it some gas grandpa"- Jody Price
"You're not helping an Jody!" - Vincent Price

What would have been the Line of the Night, but was never said: "LATER!" -Damon while leaving jail

Actual Line of the Night: "I thought I was hung over, but as it turns out I just needed to jerk-off." -Al Fritz

[Well that didnt make a lick of sense .]

East Dubuque eh? All my family is from the Iowa side and my parents grew up there. I think my dad spent the night in jail in East Dubuque once. Or maybe that was when he and his friends were escorted from the town for playing chicken on each other's shoulders in a store like Wal-Mart... but not Wal-Mart because it didn't exist yet. I guess he had more fun when he was 21 as well.
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