A Letter to Jim Rome
Dear Mr. Rome,
Earlier this week you welcomed a new affiliate in Boston to your radio show, "The Jungle." Over the last four days you have constantly said that the listeners in Boston may not "get you" at first, but that they should give you a week or two to get accustomed to the show, and then they'll probably find that they actually enjoy it. I have listened to your show for a year now, and I must say: "I hate you and I hate your show."
"Why do you keep listening to my crap factory....ERRRR...show, then?" you ask.
I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess. But make no bones about it, your show flat out reeks. Listening to a bunch of dorks pretending that they actually know something about sports, all the while cracking Tina Yothers jokes, and worshiping you (the head dork) diminishes my faith in humanity every day that I hear your show.
Although you don't seem like it on your show, perhaps you are indeed a rational man. Hoping so, I have compiled a list of things I don't like about you, in order for you to fix your shitty, shitty show.
- You gave yourself the nickname "Pimp in the Box." 1)Not only is it immature and irresponsible to give yourself a nickname, I'm pretty sure it's illegal in most states. 2) At least make your nickname something that make's sense. "Pimp in the Box?" What does that even mean? I'll go ahead and give you a new nickname: "Ham Sandwich on a Hot Day." Doesn't make sense either, does it? At least you didn't give it to yourself.
- Occasionally, you land a decent interview. Morgan Ensberg, however, is not a huge interview. Good third baseman? Yes. Decent dude? Sure. Highly sought interview? No. Earlier today, you asked me to stay tuned for a big Rob Schneider interview. The following are oxymorons: Jumbo shrimp, Classy RVs, and a big Rob Schneider interview.
- Your constant barrage of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson jokes. Seeing Jim Everett treat you like the girl that you are was a great television moment back in 1994. Also in the news that year: The O.J. Simpson murders. While they weren't especially funny then, they are unbelievably not funny eleven years later. But that doesn't stop you from bringing it up every week, does it Jim? Of course not. You're Jim Rome and you'll do whatever the hell you want.
- Clones. Yes, the people who call into your show often imitate your style of talking. That is because they are idiots. They enjoy your unique blend of over pronouncing words and dead air. I do not.
- The E-Mails that you read on the air. Every fucking E-Mail, same god damn format: "Dear Jim, something stupid. Signed, Ironic celebrity name." Clever. Real fucking clever. What really upsets me is when you read an E-Mail (which I'm pretty sure you, yourself, actually write) and then claim to be offended by it. How about this: Read it to yourself first and if it truly is inappropriate, don't read it aloud. You do know how to not read aloud, don't you? That would explain some things.
- You have a goatee. Two types of grown men are allowed to have goatees: professional athletes and movie villains. You, Jim, are neither. Your facial hair would not upset me so much if you didn't go the pussy rout and steal Gary Oldman's look. You claim to be extreme, Romey, then let's go ahead and get you an extreme goatee, too.
- Jim Rome is Burning on ESPN. You're lucky that First and Ten is on right before that piece of shit you call a show. After sitting through a half hour of Skip Bayless crying about god knows what, you are almost watchable. But not quite. How many TV shows have you had now, Jim? Three? Four? I can't imagine why your shows don't have any staying power. Oh, wait... yes I can. No matter what format you use on television, as long as you are on the show, chances are high that it will fail. After all, you can't polish a turd, Jim. You just can't polish a turd.
In conclusion: You suck out loud.
PS. Go bang your monkey, Jim.
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