Big Ten Preview (Also, Al Fritz = Liar)

Yeah, I know I promised you a Thanksgiving Week roundup, but once again, I am proved to be not just a first-class liar, but also an absolute a-hole. Nothing new there, really. You all knew that already.

Since I got distracted while trying to write up a recap of one of the greatest bachelor parties ever to be thrown (again, I'm sorry...you'll get it someday) I figured I'd give you something to read.

So, in honor of tonight's North Carolina v. Illinois matchup, and for that matter, the whole Big Ten - ACC Challenge, I give you:

The FYC's Big Ten Preview
Here we go, folks...counting them down, 11 to 1 as ranked by me, Al Fritz, world class doucebag.

11. Northwestern - Whoa, whoa, whoa... Northwestern is in the Big Ten? Really? Still? God they stink.

10. Penn State - Now that Joe Paterno doesn't have a problem giving underclassmen large amounts of playing time, the Nittany Lions are posed to be the team to beat in the Big Ten. Oh, you're talking about basketball? Penn State has a basketball team? Well, I'll be damned.

9. Ohio State - This year really doesn't matter for the Buckeyes. As long as Thad Motta doesn't get arrested for the 18 prostitutes and the $27,500 he gave to Greg Oden, everything will come together in ought six/seven, things in Columbus will be a-okay. To hell with the present...the future is next year!

8. Minnesota - 'Sota has four seniors playing a ton of minutes this year, providing the Gophers with much needed leadership and experience. Unfortunately, most of their experience is in losing.

7. Purdue - What's that you ask about Boilermaker Freshman Nate Minnoy? Have you seen him play? Yeah, he's a big fella! Goes about 6'3", 285. Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Nate Minnoy pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calamari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!" And my son is blind to this day! Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia. TO NATE MINNOY! Wait...wait...that was Bill Brasky...um...nevermind.

6. Michigan - Are they still on probation from the Fab Five era? No? Well, I'd be willing to bet that they'll find they're way back there sometime soon.

5. Wisconsin - I've heard Badger Freshman DeAaron Williams has an abnormally small penis. That's right, DeAaron. We all know now. When you're from Illinois, you play ball at Illinois. Especially if you're from Peoria. If you don't, rumors get started. Rumors about your tiny crank.

4. Iowa - The Hawkeye program hasn't been the same since Joey Range and his 23 illegitimate children left town. They're not bad or anything...just not nearly as entertaining.

3. Illinois - Most people thought replacing Deron Williams would be the hardest part of the Illini's rebuilding season, but as it turns out, replacing Nick Smith was actually impossible. Apparently 7' 3" white guys who look like Big Bird and have asthma aren't nearly as plentiful as they once were.

2. Indiana - Some people think that Mike Davis may have his best team yet with this current crop of Hoosiers. Some people think that he's a rather handsome man. I, for one, agree with both camps.

1. Michigan State - With the bulk of their team returning from last year's Final Four run, it looks like the Spartans will have the Izzone rocking again this year. Yeah, their arena is nicknamed the "Izzone." That's classic East Lansing, alright.
What a bunch of fags.

Al, I'm telling you, and I'll back it up with a bet if I have to, but Northwestern will NOT finish in last place in the Big Ten.

Most people just laugh at us, but former Princeton coach Bill Carmody is building a solid program at NU...Croatian star Vedran Vukusic is a serious threat, and the loss of Tony Parker's little brother can only help us, as he sucked serious balls. Plus, we play great defense and slow down hot teams.

I'm not saying we're gonna win anything, but we're not gonna finish last.

I thought about putting a "Sorry Ace" next to the NU line.

Look, my mom went there, it's a great school and I have a ton of respect for it...but athletics? That's just not a Wildcat thing, man.

A smell a wager...any suggestions?
Ahh, your moms went there too...very nice, give her a wildcat roar and the claw for me. I wanted that to be a double entendre, but it just sounded lame instead.

Well, our football team is #22 in the BCS right now, and we won the Big ten either outright or a share in 1995, 1996 and 2000, so apparently we're not ALL that bad.

Our hoops program is abysmal, always. We had eight-foot Eschmeyer (who still needed two hands and the Esch Face to dunk), and 1998-99 was a FUN year. But I really think we're gonna turn some heads this year.

Think of a good wager, I'm not sure how you roll.
"Greatest Bachelor Parties Ever Thrown"... So I'm guessing the Roger Clemens Workout has like turned you into a 196lb pile of sinewy muscle... Uuugh leave my mind picture of muscley Al! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Hey Ace, I totally forgot we had a basketball team. Crazy stuff.
I think you missed the great Esch year where we made the NIT, Bourbon...that was some serious fun actually, heckling Bobby Knight from 10 feet away. Nearly reaching out and touching all these big-time Big Ten dudes (we had front row behind the basket). What a cool year.
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