The FYC

A damn good story made it's way into the news last week, only to be buried underneath a pile of Supreme Court nominees and indictments. One week after the story broke, it has already been forgotten about by people who make their livings beating jokes into the ground (ie. Jay Leno) but not by me. I refuse to let this beauty slip through the cracks:

"Savvis Communications Corp. has placed Robert McCormick its chief executive on unpaid leave and will launch an internal probe related to a credit card company lawsuit alleging he was two years late in paying $241,000 in charges at a Manhattan strip club.

The lawsuit, brought by American Express against McCormick and Savvis last week, charges that the two were late in paying charges rung up on McCormick's corporate credit card at Scores, a trendy New York strip club.

American Express claimed that McCormick rang up the charges in a single visit to the club, while entertaining a small group of business acquaintances.

The bulk of the charges were for tips that McCormick gave to lap dancers who were entertaining his party in a VIP room known as the Presidents Club."

We've all read this story previously, and most of us probably got a good, hearty chuckle from it. Yes, the headlines probably should have read "Big Shot Douchebag Loves Strippers, Hates Himself" but in today's post-Janet Jackson nipple flash, pre-Scott Baio being recognized as the second coming of Christ society, we have tamer and more mellow headlines like "Savvis CEO on Unpaid Leave." Boring!

What upsets me the most from the media's handling of the story is the lack of a true investigation into how one can spend $241,000 in only one trip to a strip club. The only nudie joints I have ever been to have shady names like Toby's, Driftwood, or Magic Hands Happy Finishes and More. Those are the types of places where if you pay more than $40 in one night, you'll probably leave with a crippling venereal disease.

I've never heard of this "Scores" located in this "New York" (whatever the hell that is) but I suspect that both are figments of Robert "I've Made a Huge Mistake" McCormick's imagination.

Or not.

What the hell do I know?

"What the hell do I know?" Funny you should ask. I know how I'd spend $241,000, that's what I know, Jack!

First off, $41,000 would go into a special bank account which could only be touched if/when I needed to be bailed out of jail (we'll call that my "Get out of Jail Free Card")

I would then spend $50,000 for a 75-acre lot of land with a shack and a lake in North-Eastern Mississippi.

Next, I would by a used RV ($15,000) and fill it up with gas ($75.) A stop by the grocery store will yield enough Whiskey, wine, and bread to keep myself and my traveling company of four (myself, The Lady Friend, a maid/masseuse, and an intern/researcher) alive for the trek ($750). We'll throw in some Gatorade ($2.75) and a pack of 1985 Topps baseball cards ($0.50) and we have already spent a total of $106,828.25 before hitting the open road.

The drive may well be the most exciting trip of the journey, as I would no doubt be speeding the entire way. If I get pulled over for traffic violations, no biggie...I'll simply step outside of my RV and promptly begin urinating on the cop. I'm not going to let that "Get Out Of Jail Free" money go to waste.

After approximately 14 misdemeanors, 3 felonies, and 5 days of travel, the group and I will arrive at our new home in Mississippi. I will quickly fence off my land ($5,000) and secede formally from the United States (secession forms can be found at Office Depot for $5.99) claiming my land as "Kickassistan" and myself the King.

After hiring Ram Jam to play "Black Betty" (Kickassistan's national anthem) and hiring baseball legend Dale Murphy to act as my second-in-command ($2,500 and $20,000, respectively) I would drive to my local market to but some shrimp, BBQ spare-ribs, folding chairs, and beer-coolies with funny sayings like "Your Village Called. Their Idiot is Missing!" or "Please Hold My Beer While I Kiss Your Girlfriend!"($1,000) and some beer. Actually, make that lots of beer. $1,500 worth of beer. And a new refrigerator ($800...I've always hated that old fridge in my fictional shack in Mississippi...I mean...Kickassistan.)

Roommate Matt has always wanted to drive a Rolls Royce into a lake, so I would buy him this one and let him drive it into my lake.

Which leaves me with $4,395.76 left to spend. Which would obviously be spent in order to buy a Cigar Store Indian ($799), the softball jersey that Alex P. Keaton wore on "Family Ties" ($499), a moped ($1600), some gift certificates to give out at Christmas time to Charles Oakley's Car Wash ($1,000), and finally, a new grill ($499).

Those should be enough supplies to get the group by on for the next fifty years or so, and we will live in peace and solitude in Kickassistan; drinking wine, listening to obscure Elton John songs and watching baseball on pirated cable television before succumbing to old age.

Or until I am found putting squirrels down my pants for fun and everyone realizes that I have gone completely and totally insane. Which ever comes first.

Now THAT, Mr. McCormick, is how one properly spends $241,000.

Any other ideas, people?