The FYC

Dateline: Friday night, two weeks back.

It was 9 pm and, since for all intents and purposes I have no friends (face it, I've alienated all of you over these last few months...I just needed to put it in print to make it official. Thanks, guys), I began deciding what I would do during the evening before I passed out on my roommate's stupid overpriced couch. I could: A) Drink a bottle of whiskey, play Sonic the Hedgehog, cry, and masturbate; B) Take four Excedrin PMs, play Mega Man, send text messages, and masturbate; or C) Drink a bottle of whiskey, take four Excedrin PMs, cry while sending text messages, and masturbate.

While deciding which route I would take to Nappytown, USA (Choice C was the winner. It almost always is), and hoping to find a Girls Gone Wild commercial, I grabbed the remote to see what I could get on the TV to jump start my self-mutilation fest.

Quickly, I came across a College Basketball game between Bradley University and Wichita State University on Fox Sports. Since Bradley is from Peoria, IL (yeah that's P-Town, baby...my ol' stomping grounds) any game of theirs which I happen to stumble across on TV automatically gets five minutes worth of my attention. That night's BU-WSU game, however, was an instant classic; featuring a buzzer beating 3-pointer by BU guard Daniel Ruffin to send the game into overtime before WSU came up on top, winning 69-67 in OT. It was one of the more enthralling games I have watched all season. Needless to say, I made it from tip-off to final buzzer of the game before I started to make sweet, sweet love to myself. And good Lord, was it sweet.

Now, there is only really one reason why I remember any particulars from that contest (more often than not, booze + sleeping pills = forgetful.) It's because of one of those team's nicknames. It was so offensive, and so supported by that particular school's student body, that the actions I saw that evening will be etched in my memory until my death in 2047 by cyborgs sent back in time to kill me and you (yes, you) by Marcus Vick (will his crime spree know no end?)

I can't believe it has gone this far.

Yes, Bradley University goes by the nickname "Braves." Can you imagine the gall that that University has? A school located in a city (Peoria) and a state (Illinois) both named after the Native American Illiniweks, actually using a nickname which helps promote and reflect courage, honor and excellence upon our Native American forefathers. For shame, Bradley University! No wonder the NCAA demands that you change your nickname!

I want you, America, to get down on your knees and thank God/Buddah/Yahweh/Allah/Ramakrishna that the NCAA is here to be our moral compass. Our voice of reason, if you will. There to keep terms like "Braves" away from the decent, hard working people that John Mellencamp sings about. Pink houses, baby! Pink fucking houses!

And while the Braves vile nickname continues to sicken me to no end, it was not their nickname which held my interest for lo these two weeks. It was the name of their opponents: The Wichita State University Shockers.

That's right. I said it.

Shockers.

As in Shocker (n.) - The act of inserting 2 fingers (preferably the pointer and middle) into a woman's vaginal opening and 1 (the pinkie finger) into the anus. Also known as "Two in the pink, one in the stink."

As I sat back on my couch, wondering how in the hell "The Shockers" is still an acceptable nickname, the television camera began to pan the crowd at Charles Koch Arena (that's another article altogether.) The more the student body was shown on TV, the more I began giggling. It became obvious that someone, somewhere was playing a joke on me.

EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE CROWD CHEERED THE SAME WAY: POINTER AND MIDDLE FINGERS HELD TOGETHER, ALONG WITH A PINKIE, IN THE AIR; LEAVING BOTH THE RING FINGER AND THE THUMB DOWN. THATS THE INTERNATIONAL SYMBOL FOR THE SHOCKER!

Clearly, I was being made to look quite the fool. No way in hell do ten thousand people, all in unison, perform the motion which symbolizes not only sticking two fingers up a vagina, but also sticking a pinkie finger up a butt hole.

No fucking way they can get away with that.

No way that gets by the FCC.

And yet, it happened. And the Shockers march on. No censorship by the Government. No fines or restrictions by the NCAA.

That's when it became apparent to me: The state of Kansas, and to be particular, the folks at Wichita State, have pulled one over on us.

We slept on them, and they got us. Naming their college team after a sex act! That's tremendous stuff, right there.

If the Shockers make the Sweet Sixteen this year, that will be the furthest a sexually provocatively named team will have advanced in any competition since Teen Wolf's Beacontown High "Beavers" won Regionals.

Well done, Wichita State. I really didn't think you had it in you.

As for the NCAA, the message being sent, essentially, is that Bradley should not be known as the Braves, but if they want to be called the "Jelly Doughnuts" that's all fine and dandy.

While I agree that some nicknames in sports may very well be found offensive by others (Washington Redskins...yeah, you know it's wrong) as long as every Murphy, Duff, and Lee out there is okay with Notre Dame being called "The Fighting Irish," I have no problems with respectful, culturally sensitive, and historic names like "Braves," "Warriors," "Seminoles," and "Illini."

However, if the NCAA doesn't watch out, next year's Bradley squad might just be calling itself "The Coshocton Shockers."