6/29/2006
"Austin? Austin, Massachusetts?"
I'm catching a flight in a few hours and headed southbound to Austin, T.X. My buddy Will is getting married and seeing as how I'm his best man and all, I figure I should go. Of course, best man duties means I'll be giving a speech or two, and I still have yet to really "write" anything, so winging it, here I come.
Depending on how much booze they put in me (and I've been promised all I can drink), the wedding toast will probably go as follows:
"Thank you. Thanks.
Ummm...Will was on Elimidate once. He lost. Just like a Chinaman.
Yeah, so.... Anyway... He and I lived together while we were in the Marines. A lot of people thought we were gay. But, we weren't. At least, I don't remember anthing like that. Will was always banging random broads, and I was always having phone sex. With girls. At least that's what they said.
Ummmm....
Anyway...Oh...and Will likes the Redskins. And the Orioles. Ummm...he used to take steroids and hit our buddy Josh with a stick just to be a dick.
Hey, can you guys believe that call in the Italy - Aussie game? Fucking robbed, man! Stupid wops.
Yeah, sir, I'll "get back to toast" about the same time you blow me. Shove it.
Anyway, Will and I used to get really drunk together and not show up for work the next day. And nobody really cared because our office was a lot better place when we weren't around. They really fucking hated us.
So, Will...um...HEY CAN SOMEONE GET ME A GLASS OF WINE! I'M ALMOST OUT HERE! THIS IS THE KIND OF SERVICE THE BEST MAN GETS IN TEXAS? ASSHOLES!
FUCK TEXAS THEN! FUCK! THIS! STATE!
[me taking off my pants]
Sorry about that... I, umm... forgot....
[a bunch of slurred words and racial epitaths...]
Anyway, best of luck to you two. Kick some ass.
[me falling down]"
Should be fun. Happy 4th of July weekend, kids.
"Watch out you don't get yo'self killed."
Depending on how much booze they put in me (and I've been promised all I can drink), the wedding toast will probably go as follows:
"Thank you. Thanks.
Ummm...Will was on Elimidate once. He lost. Just like a Chinaman.
Yeah, so.... Anyway... He and I lived together while we were in the Marines. A lot of people thought we were gay. But, we weren't. At least, I don't remember anthing like that. Will was always banging random broads, and I was always having phone sex. With girls. At least that's what they said.
Ummmm....
Anyway...Oh...and Will likes the Redskins. And the Orioles. Ummm...he used to take steroids and hit our buddy Josh with a stick just to be a dick.
Hey, can you guys believe that call in the Italy - Aussie game? Fucking robbed, man! Stupid wops.
Yeah, sir, I'll "get back to toast" about the same time you blow me. Shove it.
Anyway, Will and I used to get really drunk together and not show up for work the next day. And nobody really cared because our office was a lot better place when we weren't around. They really fucking hated us.
So, Will...um...HEY CAN SOMEONE GET ME A GLASS OF WINE! I'M ALMOST OUT HERE! THIS IS THE KIND OF SERVICE THE BEST MAN GETS IN TEXAS? ASSHOLES!
FUCK TEXAS THEN! FUCK! THIS! STATE!
[me taking off my pants]
Sorry about that... I, umm... forgot....
[a bunch of slurred words and racial epitaths...]
Anyway, best of luck to you two. Kick some ass.
[me falling down]"
Should be fun. Happy 4th of July weekend, kids.
"Watch out you don't get yo'self killed."
