An Ode to the Greatest Thing Since Birth Control

When I was a young pup, I had a strange fascination with encyclopedias. But I absolutely hated school. “Why would I want to learn how to write in cursive?” I would say. “I want to learn about bubble gum and what a golf ball is made of!” So after school, I’d come home and hit the family encyclopedia; learning about bubble gum and golf balls and neglecting my handwriting assignments (like my Uncle always said, “cursive is for fags”).

I also saw my first vagina in an encyclopedia. Of course, the encyclopedia had been published in the early-70s, so the vagina was all hairy and unkempt, but hey, when you’re 11 years old a vagina is a vagina, even if it reminds you of Bob Ross. I was hooked (to the encyclopedias).

(And to vaginas.)

(And to Bob Ross.)

When wikipedia first hit the Internets, I was intrigued. I liked the concept, but it wasn’t quite delivering the goods. Then it grew. And grew. Then, surprisingly, it shrunk a little bit. But then it greeeeew.

And now it is what it is: A spectacular time wasting juggernaut. Perhaps it doesn’t quite have the procrastabilities (?) of YouTube, but it does look a lot better when you get caught reading and learning and looking all smart and shit; instead of say, your boss walking in while you’re watching this.

A few months ago, I went through wiki and read recaps of every episode of The Simpsons. No, it wasn’t “productive” or “efficient” or “socially normal” time spent, but I got to read the line “An alligator with sunglasses? Now I've seen everything!” and it made me laugh. So there.

One night last week, I learned all about jazz hands and Scientology and spent the whole night going back and forth between laughing and, well, laughing.

Last night, as I was gazing through a recap of Big Van Vader’s life, it struck me: This is the single greatest thing ever made.

Saying nothing of the fact that it is essentially one giant, harmonious, mob driven, communicative monster; its greatness is in its vastness. Whatever the hell you want to know is there. In fact, I just clicked the “random” button and learned about Lionel Tennyson, 3rd Baron Tennyson. I bet you don’t know shit about Lionel Tennyson, 3rd Baron Tennyson. Well, you can if you want to.

So I urge you all to spend your Friday afternoon time wasting at the finest place on the Internets: Wikipedia. Check out the random button. You’ll be glad you did.

Or just go get high and chase squirrels in the park. Actually, that sounds better.

See you there!

[have a tremendous weekend everybody. try to make out with a dominican if you can. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.]

You and I are very alike in our love of wikipedia. I was thinking the other day about how we used to make fun of the nerdy 'brainy' kids; mocking them, saying "you read the encyclopedia for fun". It turns out they were on to something.
I've killed about 3 hours today by reading up on Jaba the Hutt and just kept following links about star wars.

Fitz, nice to electronically meet you. Your frat brother in the radio booth is one of my best friends from gradeschool.
Is it sad that I've learnt more tidbits about history (and more interesting tidbits, to be sure) from Wikipedia in the last 18 months than I ever did in school?
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