Al Fritz v. A Terrorist

Way back when, in the days before I was officially labeled a “nuisance” by the city of Tera Haute, IN, I held a top-secret national security clearance. Apparently if you wanted to spend your time in the Marines sitting on your ass playing video games and watching “The Postman,” it was required.

So, I had one. Didn’t really do much with it, natch, but it was there. When I did use it is was normally to browse the gov’s version of wikipedia and find out all sorts of cool scat. One day I happened upon this cat, who has recently popped back up in the news, and read over his file on the gov-wiki.

What did I learn? Simply put, Adam Gadahn was a nerd growing up. That’s all there is to it. A lot of kids who grow up as nerds simply feel the need to belong later in life. Some will join gangs, others be summer camp counselors. Some will go all fucking Columbine on their classmates, others will study computer programming and become insanely rich. Some, like Adam Gadahn, will join al queda (!) But no matter what, they will still be nerds at heart.

I should know. Because for the last 26 years, I too have been a nerd.

So I got to thinking… Are Adam Gadahn and I really so different?

Yes. Yes we are. But which one of us is better? That's a better question... Let’s break it down, tale of the tape style:

Al Fritz versus Adam Gadahn

Was Raised:
Al Fritz: Irish Catholic in Peoria, IL
Adam Gadahn: Jewish/Christian (original last name was“Pearlman”) on a goat farm in Cali
Winner: Al Fritz - Sorry, goat farms of America. You aint got nothing on the 4am bars of P-Town.

Now Practicing:
AF: Half Buddhist/Half Catholic (mainly for the fish fries and beer busts)
AG: Essentially Wahhabism
Winner: AF -Fish fries and drinking canned beers will win any battle.

As a teenager:
AF: Listened to a lot of Phish
AG: Worshiped satan
Winner: AF -Satan, huh? Yeah, that's well adjusted.

Current job:
AF: Systems Administrator
AG: White dude in cave
Winner: AG -It may not look that great on a resmue, but "white dude in cave" does impress the ladies

AF: St. Louis, MO
AG: A hut, blank-istan
Winner: AF - St. Louis may not quite be the greatest city in the world, but it's pretty much better than any place in a blank-istan (With apologies of course to Kickassistan)

AF: A Honda Accord
AG: His hut mates crazy with his incessant Cat Stevens quotes
Winner: AG -Hondas aren't that cool to begin with, and when you compare them to Cat Steven's "Wild World" it's not even close.

AF: Like a king
AG: Like an al queda foot soldier
Winner: AF -I pretty much eat better than anyone I know, so I'm going to go out on a limb and guess I eat better than a dude who is probably living in a cave.

AF: Like a champion
AG: No booze for him. More for us infidels.
Winner: AF -Come on...

Gets Laid:
AF: Pretty much whenever
AG: Maybe, but they ain’t clean shaven!
Winner: AF - Another no brainer.

Internationally Known:
AF: No, but is known to rock a microphone.
AG: Yes.
Winner: AG -International fame bores me, so I chose not to do it. More power to 'ya, though.

Refers to God as:
AF: Pujols
AG: Allah
Winner: AG -But only because Pujols went 0-for-3 with a baserunning mistake last night.

Will be remembered by history for:
AF: Being a corrupt mayor of Peoria and freeing Tibet in 2038.
AG: Being killed.
Winner: AF -Freeing Tibet will be awesome. In your face, Richard Gere!

Has traveled to:
AF: Mexico, Cuba, Spain, Kuwait, most US states
AG: Pakistan, Afghanistan
Winner: AF - I have also seen a million faces, and I have rocked them all.

Facial Hair:
AF: Jeff Weaver's Soul Patch
AG: Jon Fishman's Weird Beard
Winner: AG -Someday, when I go through puberty, I too will have a beard.

AF: Thomas Dolby
AG: Usama bin Laden
Winner: AF -"Science!"

Favorite Albulm:
AF: Warren G, “Regulators… G Funk Era”
AG: Willa Ford, "I Wanna Be Bad"
Winner: AF -"This DJ, he gets down, mixing records while they go round... To the hip to the hop, you just don't stop, produce some funky tracks till it makes you drop."

Bares a striking resemblance to:
AF: A young Richard Dean Anderson
AG: My buddy Vince’s cousin Tony
Winner: AG -Cousin Tony destroys MacGyver in a smoke-off.

Is considered by many:
AF: Slightly overweight
AG: Bat shit insane
Winner: AG -Bat shit insane sounds kinda fun.

Lost his virginity in the hotel lobby of a Pensacola, FL Howard Johnson:
AF: Yes
AG: No
Winner: AF -I win that round against almost everyone.

And there we have it. 12 to 7, I am the clear winner here. In your stupid face Adam Gadahn!

We may have both grown up as children of the ‘80’s, but I clearly went on to have a better life. So let that be a lesson to you kids out there: Being a terrorist may look all flashy and glamerous on the TV, but it’s not. Get into computer networking… That’s where the real party is at!

Also, don’t get caught masturbating to your mom’s Family Circle magazines, you little shit.

[have a great chilly weekend everybody. go cards!]

A few things:
First of all, did you say "natch" as a way to shorten "naturally"? Because if so, you will have moved up 5 rankings in my book.

Second, should you really have shared all that "top-secret" information with us?

C: Gets laid whenenver? Thats not what Megan told me. She said you jerk off so much at work, you never want to have sex cause she could "never compare to the top-notch midget/beastiality/black cock/tranny/women over 80's porn" you see at work.
I've got enough fuel in the tank of the love machine to both fulill both my needs of tranny-beastelity and my lady friends needs, too, thank you very much...



I cant believe I write these things sometimes.
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