The FYC

A few years back, when I still gave a shit about some things, I followed politics. “Politics are like sports for grown ups” I used to say. Then, sometime after the 2004 elections, I realized calling myself a “grown up” was factually incorrect on about a hundred different levels, so I reverted back to my old habits of just following sports and collecting old Archie comic books*.

And with that decision, my delves into the political world stopped. Combine that with the fact that this November will be the first time I have ever not been an Illinois resident during an election, and I have no idea what or who I am voting for next week. This is the second thing I thought of when I officially moved into the city of St Louis this summer, the first being that I feared my body would go into a state of shock during this year’s Busch Braggin’ Rights game and I would start punching myself in the face out of sheer confusion. But that is an issue I will get further into next month.

Anyway, the point is I am now a resident of Missouri, and after never following Missouri politics before in my life, I have no idea what the hell is going on.

So here is what I am tentatively voting on next week and why:

Amendment 2 (Or, as I call it "that one with Alex P. Keaton and Jeff Suppan"): The fact that the good people supporting Amendment 2 could get Michael J. Fox and not, say, Eric Stoltz, on their side means that I am I voting "No" on Amendment 2… Or "Yes"… Actually I’m really not sure which I’m supposed to do, I just know I’m voting whatever the hell way Marty McFly wants me to, lest he go into the future and frame my kids for damaging the clock tower.

Amendment 3 (Or, "the smoking one"): Amendment 3 is essentially a sin tax on cigarettes. Now, I am not opposed to sin taxes, and someday when I marry that sweet little Mormon girl I have always dreamed of, I will become a teetotaler of all things vice related and will staunchly support any and all sin taxes. However, back here now in reality, I happen to know for a scientific fact that nothing goes better with a stiff whiskey drink than a Camel Light (well, that and a handjob, but I don’t think you could sin tax those. Maybe, though). And since I try my best to always buy my own smokes (the world hates bummers), a sin tax on cigarettes would mean that I would be paying more money for said smokes.

And me voting to charge myself more (!) money on the things which I happen to enjoy makes about as much sense as dropping a bunch of bats carrying napalm out of an airplane and into the industrial district of Osaka Japan in 1944 (that is to say it’s not going to happen and is pointless to even think about). So, to conclude my thoughts on Amendment 3: I enjoying smoking when drunk, the overuse of italics, and obscure WWII references.

Then there’s the big Senate race between Jim Talent and Claire McCaskill. Neither of these two bush leaguers could hold the jocks of the fine, funnily named Senators from my home state and from their TV ads, the only decision I can make is that they are both asshats and neither of them deserve to be voted for in any election unless it is to be named the “World’s Biggest Bag of Douche.” As you probably have just deduced, their television ads are underwhelming to say the least. However, it was a radio ad for Talent that won my vote. And that vote will be for McCaskill.

Talent’s ad equated that a vote for McCaskill would be a vote for John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Kennedy. Since I probably would vote for Clinton if she ran for President and I actually did vote for Kerry during the last Presidential election, I’m 2/3’s sold right there already. But combine that with the fact that I share more in common with Ted Kennedy than I do with any other man alive (we are both Irish Catholic, both enjoy the art of drinking, both of our fathers were Nazi sympathizers**) and the case is closed: I’m voting for McCaskill.

What could Talent do now to win my vote? Aside from passing legislation to name Andrew Gold’s “Thank You for Being a Friend” the new National Anthem, I’m really not sure. Although I will say that an endorsement by a certain gentlemen named Glenn Frey would not hurt his candidacy in my eyes.

There’s my votes, Internets. Think I’m making a mistake and want me to change my vote? Or am I doing something right and want me to stay the course? Drop a comment off below and state your case.

Otherwise, shut your fucking mouth and watch this. I really wish that I lived in Wisconsin right now and could vote for the bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits of Ron Kind.



*I haven’t seen an Archie comic book in at least fifteen years, and I have no idea why it would have popped into my head as something to identify with my childhood. I honestly out bizarred myself with that one.

**Since my dad has never said anything bad about the Nazi party to me personally, I can only assume that he is, in fact, a Nazi sympathizer.