Happy Winter Solstice

Little known fact: Al Fritz never learned how to ski.

As a child I was a stubborn (read: dumb) little kid. I had an attitude that unless something was practical, I had no intention of learning it. That’s why I never paid attention in science class or washed my hands after I went to the bathroom. What’s the damn point?

In grade school, when my friends all started learning how to roller-skate (Yes, skate; Peoria didn’t receive their first shipment of rollerblades until 1993), I said “Hmmm... I have a bike and not only is it faster than those roller-skates, it’s also a lot less gay... except for the tassels on my handlebars. My mom says they’re cool but I’m just not quite sold on them.”

A few years later, after mastering roller-skates, my friends took up ice skating. Since I didn’t foresee a future where the earth had become not only covered in ice, but also uniformly flat, I couldn’t come up with one damn reason to learn to ice skate. So I didn’t.

When I was in high school, our school would organize ski trips to the world famous slopes of Southern Wisconsin. Since I had never learned to ski [aside from having to become some sort of super bad ass ski soldier (which, like Bigfoot and Jermaine Dupri, I’m pretty sure don’t really exist) I couldn’t think of a single reason why someone from Central Illinois would ever really need to know how to ski], I never went on said ski trips. I always assumed they were a blast; full of hot chocolate, schnapps and half naked ski bunny coeds, but I can’t prove it. At the time, I was kind of sad that I was missing out on all the fun, but then I’d steal my sister’s Cosmo magazines and cheer myself (and my penis) up in the bathroom.

Long (and boring) story short, I don’t know how to ski. That does not, however, keep me from judging this video, which arrived in my inbox yesterday (thanks, cuz), the greatest ski jump the world has ever seen:


There's this place called Hidden Valley on the west side of St. Louis(I think off 105) where I learned how to ski. I always found that the midnight to five am sessions were the most fun since the artificial snow had turned to ice by then and everyone is toast.
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"I'll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize the state of Missouri."