2/14/2007

 

Replacing The Arch

I first moved to St Louis in early August of 2004. I have grown to love many, many things about my new home: Dogtown, baseball, the park, the Loop, Soulard, the bars, the lack of people who wear black pants while at said bars... They're all towards the top of a rather long list. And while there are a few things which continue to grind my gears from time to time (the lack of driving ranges, the traffic), there is only one thing which I literally hate about the town in which I have lived and loved in lo these past few years:

The Arch.

It's fucking stupid.

How can I hate something that’s "more than an engineering marvel, [it] has come to represent the spirit of the City of St. Louis, the Gateway to the West?"

Easy:
  1. It's pointless
  2. It's dishonest
The Arch does not, in any way, shape, or form, symbolize the West; or a gateway to the West, for that matter.

(Hell, it doesn't even represent the city of Saint Louis as well as other local landmarks like the giant Amoco sign over highway 40 or Joe Buck's monstrous, oddly shaped head.)

When people* think about the Old West they think about two things: The Oregon Trail and saloon style swinging doors. Maybe Young Guns and Back to the Future III as well, but I’m not certain about that.

(By the way, the key to winning The Oregon Trail? Be the banker from Boston. That rich Masshole was wicked smaht and could float the Columbia like nobody’s business.)

And since the good people at the National Park Service refuse to tear down The Arch and replace it with matching 630 foot tall statues, one of Emilio Estevez dressed as William H Bonney and one of Christian Slater as Arkansas Dave Rudabaugh (believe me, I've tried), I think it’s high time someone finally listened to me and replaced the arch with what the true symbol of the Old West is: Saloon style swinging doors.

And I don't want just any saloon style swinging door monument. I want them to be as tall as the arch. And to actually swing.

This is something I have brought up many, many times while drunk, only to be greeted with callous retorts from my friends like “Al, you’re an idiot,” or, “Al, that bartender caught you jerking it in the ladies bathroom last time you were here. She’d like you to leave.”

But this is my vision. 630 foot tall swinging doors, flapping gently in the Midwest breeze over the Mississippi river, helping to transform our city's boring, pedestrian skyline from this:



    To this:


    "Flap, flap, flap" went the giant swinging doors.

    Instead of saying tiresome things like "Did you know that it's actually as wide as it is tall?" slack jawed yokels from around the gloge will view the city's new skyline and let out joyous cries of "Now THAT'S the Gateway to the West!"

    We will be the new marvel of civilization. And this won't be some trivial, useless wonder like the Egyptian pyramids or the Maginot Line; Oh, no. This one will have a purpose.

    The doors will actually be wind turbines**, producing power which will be given out to the great residents of St Louis, in turn helping to cut down on the preposterous amount of cash us suckersss are paying out to the worst company in the world AmerenUE every freaking month.

    So there you have it, St Louis: Replacing the Arch with giant saloon style swinging doors? Win, Win, Win.


    *People being myself and (I assume) everybody in their late 20’s and early 30’s.
    ** I have literally no idea how things like turbines, power, or even wind actually work, so I don’t really know if this would succeed. It’ll be a hell of a lot of fun finding out, though!

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    Comments:
    Thats some might fine microsoft paintin'!
     
    Why do the building still have arch shadows on them?
     
    It's an illusion!
     
    I feel as though the swinging bar doors would easy attach to the arch. Making the transformation a lot easier than we think.
     
    Part of the beauty of the swinging bar doors is that, when viewed from Missouri, the doors open up into the East Side - everyone's favorite "bar" area.
     
    It'd be cheaper to just retrofit the arch with saloon doors.
     
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