A Bitter End to a Bitter Week

(Or maybe it should be “A Perfect End to a Bitter Week”?)

"Will someone please think of the children?" – Helen Lovejoy

"I'm sick of these constant bear attacks. It's like a freakin' country bear jambaroo around here!" - Homer

Few things in life are finite. There’s the whole “death and taxes” thing, but I don’t buy that since I never pay taxes and I don’t plan on ever dying (must... kill... Connor MacLeod...). One thing that you can count on is that if you ever plan on scratching your good times itch, some asshole is going to but his or her massive, misshaped head into your business and stop you.

Case in point, the saddest news of the week:

Drinko is being pulled off the market.

"Prevention First is greatly disturbed at the message these drinking games are sending to young people," Mary Pat Angelini, executive director, said in a written statement issued last week. "Underage drinking is not a game, and it is obvious that this type of "entertainment' has greatest appeal to high school and college students where binge drinking is at an all-time high."

Well, you know what is a game, Mary Pat Angelini? Overage drinking. It's a hell of a game. And so the fuck what if it happens to be binge drinking? I happen to enjoy binge drinking! You know who else enjoys binge drinking? The President of the Unite -- wait I already used that one this week... um... -- James Brown! James Brown enjoyed binge drinking a great deal, thank you very much. And he’s a man so revered by the American people that we still haven’t buried his super dead fly ass!

So thanks, Mary Pat (by the way, pick a fucking name!), now the drinkers out looking for novelty drinking games won’t be able to just swing by their local department stores, they’ll have to go to some shitty Spencers. That’ll keep the kids from getting drunk. Yep.

And thank you, Prevention First. Your top notch organization has successfully targeted the middle-class workers like myself you frequent Kohl’s while were out on our crime sprees; and not the cracked out homeless guy stealing copper from the local five and dime (what?). Now it’ll be that much harder to gather up a few friends and shoot a few hearty rounds of beer. Well played. Crime in ’07 will be non-existent thanks to your vigilant watch.

But the next time an issue as such comes to light, may I suggest you pull whatever it is that is currently up your collective asses (I’m guessing a rather large barrage of dildos) and mind your own fucking business? Perhaps letting the market decide what exactly should or should not be at Kohls and not your moralistic, dictative, irrational, illogical values. This is America is it not? The next thing you know, it’s going to be illegal to play the great sport of Beer Pong in Belmar, NJ!

You win this round, Prevention First.

But guess what, asshole? I’m still going to get drunk whenever I fucking want. Who’s coming with me?

[have a great weekend, kids. we’ll be back next week, hopefully with a randall floyd level attitude adjustment. i fucking hate people. although my stapler magically reappeared, so maybe things will turn out alright afterall.]

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Did the stapler reappear before or after your office building burned down?

Is Dwight realy leaving the Office? Maybe he's goin to work for the CIA.
No, it didn't come to that. Close, though.

Well, he's listed in next weeks episode. So I'm guessing he's still around. As much as I like Ed Helms' character, the show needs Dwight.
I'm 20 and my parents got me Drinko for Christmas.

Whatever, Prevention First. What are you going to do next? Come to U of I and try to stop our great illegal binge-fest known as Unofficial? I'd like to see you try.
A solution? Bump the drinking age down to 19. A buddy of mine was involved with a fraternity up here in Ontario, where the drinking age isn't a Puritan-esque 21, and he'd go to workshops in the States where all they could talk about is "underage drinking, underage drinking."

If 19- and 20-year-olds are safely in bars where people can supervise them, and bartenders can cut them off when they've had too much, that could go a long, long way towards helping curb this epidemic. But if you ratchet-up the drinking age to something ridiculous, which the US did a while back, kids are going to keep drinking in secret, and that's where the problems arise.
This is communism at its finest. What's next, AL, what's next?!
I'd like to see the official drinking age be changed to 65. That way you can REALLY look forward to retirement!
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