More Current Events!

I like to think of this week's FYC posts as being something of a "Weekly Reader" only for jerks, not kids...

The Cardinals visited the White House earlier this week, with the Prez getting in a cheap joke about David Eckstein (Also, shouldn't it be "Eckstien" with that whole "I before e, except after c and when as sounding as an a as in 'neighbor' or 'weigh' and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say. And in 'Budweiser'" rule? Somebody get on this.) and, by my interpretation, trying to compare the war in Iraq with the Cardinals many stumbles en route to winning the World Serious. A comparison which, if I may be so bold, is not exactly apt. In fact, it’s fucking ridiculous.

Anyway, I was listening to KMOX yesterday morning and they had a quote from Eckstein at the White House which blew my mind a little bit: “This is the ultimate. With everything that this nation stands for... and what this house stands for is this country.”

Go ahead and marinate on that one for a minute.

I have no idea what he was trying to say and I wish he just would have broke out into an a cappella version of “This Is Our Country.”

The kid who helped find that creepy pizza maker that was stealing kids by giving such a detailed description of his white Nissan truck with a topper (note – any truck with a topper is automatically creepy. Not "John Lee Malvo windowless van creepy", but creepy nonetheless.) to the authorities was honored with a pep rally at his school and presented with an FBI hat (is that supposed to be some sort of award? A crappy hat? I’d be furious.) for his constant vigilance of creepy trucks.

I found this all fit and fine. The kid did well, deserves his moment in the sun, etc, etc. Then I read this:

"Dressed in a camouflaged jacket and jeans, the only statement he made came from one of his favorite comedians, Larry the Cable Guy.

"Git 'er done!" Mitchell cried into the microphone."

And in five quick seconds, my opinion of this kid went from “Good job” To “He is everything that is wrong with America.” You’re being honored by the FBI and presented in front of your school and what do you do? Wear camo and quote Larry the Fucking Cable Guy.

That, in two quick lines, is why everyone else in the country thinks "Inbred hicks" when they hear the word "Missouri." Well, that and all the meth.

And, if you’re in a reviewing mood, you can go read this article of mine and hand out some rave ones.

Now go do your word search and later we'll play Heads Up 7up.


That is awesome. And the best part is, his parents probably coached him for hours on what to say.

At some point in this kids life, a tornado will destroy his trailer park and HE will be the one interviewed by the national news. At that time he will have to come up with a way to make a bigger fool of himself.
I fucking HATE Larry the Cable guy and everything that he stands for! Whenever I stumble across some hick asshole that thinks he's the best thing since "the doublewide" I always point out that his real name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney and that he attended private school in fucking Nebraska. And he went to Florida State University.

If you're interested check out this "hilarious" video of him doing stand-up before he was "Larry".


Or check out David Cross' letter open letter addressed to him...

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"I'll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize the state of Missouri."